STATUE COLLECTING!

Being a lifelong comic book fan, for the past decade+ I have been an avid collector of Randy Bowen's line of statues and busts.  These are great (albeit expensive at times) pieces of sculpted artwork that really add a nice element to my home.  I have a curio cabinet filled with close to 100 pieces dedicated to the Marvel Universe of superheroes.  My wife doesn't even mind the collection and she lovingly refers to it as my "Barbie Cabinet".

Anyways, the cabinet is full and sadly for all these years there was never a solid product for the superheroes of the DC Universe.  Lately that is starting to change as the company Kotobukiya (sounds like a porn term) has been releasing a high quality line of 8" DC statues.  These statues have a great metallic shine to them and are remarkably lightweight.  They are also awesomely priced falling between the $35-$50 range (and plenty of good deals to be had on ebay).

In the past six months I've added Flash, Batman, Captain "SHAZAM!" Marvel, Black Adam, and Aquaman to my collection and they're residing on shelves in my computer room.  Any time people see them they always get compliments because the product speaks for itself.  At this point the only statue I do not own is Superman and that is solely because I am not a fan of the New 52 DC take that Superman must look younger than the rest of the heroes.  Nope, not to my liking...but the work of the statue itself looks solid.

I don't often plug products but if you're a fan of superheroes and the DC Universe, then adding one or several of these statues to your home, office, or collection is a great idea.  They're excellent eye-candy for an exceptional price.

Give them a look HERE.

Shoes, Chuds, and Faulty Memories!

As I was doing some writing, I stumbled upon an original draft of stories from my first collection In 666 Words.  I was amused to find a story called The Shoe Collection, which did not make the final draft.  There's an amusing story of why this happened.

Back in the mid-1980s there was a low budget horror movie called C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers or Contaminated Hazardous Urban Disposal – depending on which part of the movie you’re watching – SPOILERS!).  The movie had a fun concept and certainly captured that shitty early 1980s, pre-Giuliani clean-up period for New York City.  The biggest problem, as I hinted at, is the movie has zero budget to back up its’ grand premise.  If this movie had focused on S.W.A.T. troopers entering the sewer systems and battling these man-eating monsters, like Aliens in New York, that would have been so bad-ass.  But, with little funding the movie is basically too much of Daniel Stern working at a soup kitchen and people running around wasting our time.

I was not a fan of C.H.U.D. and one viewing was plenty.  There was never any intention to revisit the movie.

Flash forward almost three decades and I am somewhere in the midst of writing In 666 Words.  While I’m working on that I also have one night a week free from writing where my brother and a friend join me for what we deem Netflix Night.  The goal of this one evening is to choose a bad movie so we can essentially riff on it nonstop like our own personal Mystery Science Theatre 3000.  The kind of movies we aspire to watch are things like Maximum Overdrive, The Substitute, Foxy Brown, and, of course, C.H.U.D.

So we’re watching C.H.U.D. and I have a horrendous twist in my stomach as I realize that a key scene in the movie is essentially the exact same thing I recently wrote for a story in In 666 Words.  How in the hell did that happen?  Was there still a lone memory lodged in my brain from a lousy movies I watched thirty years ago?  Obviously I was not stealing the concept as I had no clear memory of this moment in C.H.U.D., but it’s clear as day that my story and an early scene of the movie are simply too similar.  Now, I’m sure this happens more often to writers than we hear about.  Immediately I am thinking of the plot of The Simpson’s Movie and the Stephen King novel Under the Dome.  No matter, I knew at that point that I had to remove my tale from the book before my initial outing would be reviewed by people shouting, “This guy is ripping off C.H.U.D.!”  Nobody wants that, probably less than they want to realize that memories of C.H.U.D. are still floating around in their subconscious.  However, I’m proud of the little tale I penned, especially when I thought it was 100% original, and even though it won’t make it into any collection I post for sale, I wanted it to live on for readers of my blog.  So included below is the complete story.  I’ll leave it to you to decide if it’s too similar to C.H.U.D. or if my memory lapse isn’t bordering on copyright infringement as much as I think it is.  Granted, you'll need to go watch C.H.U.D. to give an unbiased opinion on the matter.

 

THE SHOE COLLECTION
(a tale in 666 words)

“So, I hear you have quite a shoe collection?”  Jessica jumped right to the point.  It was late, she was cold, tired and uncomfortable in the dilapidated old office building.  The place smelled of urine and worse.  To make matters worse, she was dressed up for a fund-raiser she was supposed to be covering for the paper.  She could only imagine the filth she might stumble into or the odors that would cling to her when she left.

Still, the increasing disappearance of women in the city was the hottest story going.  Every reporter was scrambling for leads, and Jessica’s tips led to her current location where she hoped something would deliver.

Laying on the ground next to her was a bum who went by the name of “Al Pro” because of his love for wearing sports jerseys while panhandling before football and baseball games shouting “Eat ‘em up!” while jiggling a cup for change.

Al Pro looked at her for a minute, his eyes hazy.  “Shoes?  Yes, I gots shooooooeeess.”  Then he started giggling.  He pointed to the next room.

Jessica walked over and was immediately stunned by the sheer amount of woman’s shoes displayed before her.  There were easily over one hundred.  Al had set up make shift shelves to display them.  It looked like a twisted shoe store because the wide variety of shoes only had one of each distinctive style.  Inspecting them revealed little.  There was no blood or evidence on any of the shoes.

From the other room Al was still looking at her, “I likes them shoes.  You got.  Red is my favorite color.”  Then he started mumbling a song.

She took out her phone and snapped a few pictures of the collection.  The lighting and quality were horrible, but for now it would suffice.

Al was still lying on his filthy mattress.  “Sees, all thems shoes!  I love me some shoes!”

“Al, where did you find these shoes?”

He thought for a minute.  “I find them in the street mostly.  When I go walking in the morning.  Loves the colors,  I can look at ‘em all day.”

“Yes, they’re very nice.”

Jessica had more questions, Al had fewer answers.

 

The street was barren as Jessica walked back to her car.  Her mind was racing in several directions trying to determine her next course of action.  Right now, all she had leading her to the missing people were the shoes.  She was hours late for the party she was supposed to be covering.  Her lead was mostly a bust, and all she wanted was to be out of this part of town.  She picked up her pace, hearing her footsteps echo down the concrete canyon.

There was the sharp ting of metal from the street.

Jessica froze, listening for it to return.

Then she looked down and realized the sound was coming from directly at her feet.

The sewer lid shook.  She was sure of it.

Stepping closer, her brain made the final connections a split second too late.  The metal cover pushed up and a grotesque reptilian claw shot out, snatching her ankle.  It was like a vice.  Jessica fell backwards, sprawling across the cement, clutching for anything to gain a handhold as she felt herself swiftly pulled towards the sewer opening.

Jagged nails scraped over her leg, removing her shoe.

Jessica saw her red heel spiral away into the air and clatter alone in the middle of the street.  That’s when she felt the razor sharp teeth dig into her foot.

“Help!”  She shouted as the full fight-or-flight kicked in.  Then her screams became unintelligible as she was pulled below, into the dark sewer.

The heavy metal lid slammed back into place with a clang of finality.

This late at night, the city paid no notice.

 

The next morning, while making his rounds around town, Al found a beautiful red high heel shoe sitting alone in the street.  He took it home and added it to his collection. 
 
 
 

ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!

A few years ago I wrote a couple articles for eHow.  Back then that site was great and they paid you based on how many hits your article was getting.  My article was about getting ink stains out of your clothes.  Then I wrote one about choosing the best seat in a movie theatre (based on visual, sound, and asshole proximity).  Both of my articles attracted a couple of views and put a few pennies in my pocket.

Then one day the thought hit me that I was writing articles for everyday life and that’s not always the largest generator of hits when it comes to Internet search engines.  I decided to right a funny little article on fortifying your home during the, sure to happen, zombie apocalypse.  Mind you, this was before The Walking Dead hit it big on AMC and everyone in America was frothing at the mouth over all things zombie related.  I approached my article as a simple Ten Step Plan and, although meant for laughs, attached as much realistic advice as I could.  I just loved the idea of Americans scrolling across eHow looking for serious problem solutions to stumble across the ramblings of what they may deem a "maniac".  In truth, if there was a zombie outbreak this is most likely the plan I would follow, depending on alert time available.  The article was a sizable hit for me, so much so that I was shocked when the checks arrived in the mail.  I was then doubly shocked when I forgot to claim the money on my taxes and the government looked me up a few years later for their cut (and late fees).

Anyways, as I started to write some books The Ten Step Zombie Defense Plan found its way from informational article to short story.  For a time it sat in my first collection Late Night Horrors (not available yet and that’s a long story in itself) but I was never quite pleased with that.  The story had a bit of humor laced with it, and Late Night Horrors was certainly not meant to have stories that invoked laughter…except maybe uncomfortable laughter.  So the story languished on my computer…all but forgotten.

This summer I was finalizing my newest flash-fiction collection Horror 101 to send to my editor.  At the 11^th hour I realized I was not happy with the overall format of the book and I made some major changes to the story order.  This turned a random assortment of tales into a book more clearly dvidied into two halves where, now, all the stories seemed to flow much better.  Once these changes took place, both in content and story order, I then found myself one story short.

Re-enter: The Ten Step Zombie Defense Plan.

This time the tone of the story fit much better with the work surrounding it.  Still, as I read it I decided that my initial approach was far too limited and the concept could easily expand in scope, humor, and plot.  So here I am writing this final story and trying to get Horror 101 finished before August 1st so it can get to editing and formatting and have a reasonable chance of being available for sale in late September or early October (when horror books have the best chance for some increased sales).

Still, as I found myself toiling away this afternoon, I was browsing through the wastelands of my computer and came across the original eHow article which I assumed was lost.  Now, this 10-Step Plan is nowhere close to the plan that I utilize in both versions of my story, but it was still an enjoyable trip down memory lane looking at some strange idea I fostered some five or six years ago while drinking lemonade and sitting on my well-fortified deck.  So, I present the original article as I return to my daily writing duty and attempt to work out the kinks in the final 7-pages of the latest incarnation of the idea.

 

 

 

THE 10-STEP ZOMBIE DEFENSE PLAN

There are always a couple goofballs who chuckle whenever the words "Zombie Invasion" are brought up into a conversation.  But, mark my words when the undead begin crawling from their graves, laughter will be at a minimum.  So for those of us who believe that a good defense is better than - dying, I present the following 10-step plan to 100% secure your dwelling against the rotting corpses who want nothing more than to feast on your brains.

Step #1 - Move quickly!  Once the radio reports the first signs of trouble at the local morgue or cemetery, you need to be ready to roll.  The unprepared masses will be going shopping, but since you planned ahead you'll be going - into action!  Star by gaining some comfort around your home with make-shift barricades.  Cars and trucks can be parked at angles or in front of doors for added security.  If you have fences along your property, link chains and extra boards across gates.  Will it hold forever?  No.  Will it buy you time to secure your dwelling?  Absolutely.  In fact, the hordes of the undead will be so busy eating the people down at the grocery store; you'll have at least 24-hours to prepare.

Step #2 - Get those windows covered!  Unlike us breathing humans, the undead don't necessarily go for the door first.  Pull the drapes to prevent inside movement from attracting a hungry zombie.  The last thing you want is for sprinting zombies to make a bee-line to your home before you're ready to roll.  If possible get outside and use long boards (preferably 2 x 4) and screws to cover as much of the window as possible.  Very important to have someone keeping watch as you work, it doubles productivity when you're not constantly glancing over your shoulder in fear.  With the outside secure you'll next want to repeat this process on the inside.  You can never have enough lumber, so be sure to stock up at your local hardware store.  Your less informed neighbors will go for bullets and guns.  You want screws and wood.

Step #3 - The door must go!  Seal this sucker tight and permanently.  If possible weld metal over as much of the door as possible.  There's nothing the undead enjoy more than pounding on a door 24/7, it's their #1 hobby.  After boards (did I mention the importance of lumber) are placed across the doorway you'll want to wedge objects against the door and the doorframe.  I've seen many a homeowner die with the look of shock on their face when the door held fast but the entire frame gave away.  I recommend angling several long boards into place and pounding nails and screws directly into the floor.  The leverage will give you piece of mind.

Step #4 - Design your home's new entryway and exit!  You need rope or a ladder.  Now that the windows and doors are secure you're going to need a way in and out of your fortress.  This will now be achieved by using either a rope or ladder and going from either the 2nd floor or the attic and down.  The undead are poor climbers so you won't need to worry about upper level access hurting your defenses.  This step is extremely important because if you botched Steps 1-3 then at some point the legions of the undead will be inside your home, and you'll want to get out!  It's time to remove the screens in one upper floor window and/or cut a hole in the attic as your new entryway.  Don't draw too much attention to your house with this move.  By now panicking neighbors will be looking for shelter…too bad they should have read this article before things got tough.

Step #5 - Time to lose the stairs!  If your ground level defenses fail then it is still easily possible to survive on the 2nd floor of your home (sorry all you ranch owners).  Sure it won't smell good with hundreds of zombies plodding around the main floor, but as long as they can't reach you, then you'll be fine.  With your sledgehammer let's pound out all the stairs, remember to start at the top and work your way down.  This newly acquired extra lumber can help secure any failing home defenses (by now at least 1-2 windows will be under siege) or if the power has gone out you can build a small fire…keep it small and under control…and away from the shag carpeting.  With the stairs gone your way up and down is now a ladder.  If the doors or windows are breached get the entire family up stairs (ha! There are none so use the ladder and don't forget to carry the dog).  If possible pull the ladder up with you…if not knock it down.  Super-intelligent zombies are a Hollywood myth; none of the suckers attacking your home will be smart enough to put that ladder back into place.

Step #6 - Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink…for your neighbors!  But, you planned ahead and at the first ominous signs of something going afoul you filled up on precious H2O.  By now every Tupperware container, milk jug, sink, bathtub, and toilet bowl should be full of water.  Don't shortchange your drinking.  You and your loved ones need the water to prevent going over to the other team.  Remember still water can go bad over time so use your purifying tablets to keep things as safe as possible.  Bonus points for you if you planned ahead and got that urine-recycling machine (you're hardcore)!  As you empty out a container you'll want to jury-rig a shelf outside an upper floor window (not the one you plan on using for fast escapes) where rain water and dew can be collected.  Be careful, if the government plans to launch a nuclear counter-attack on the hordes from hell, then drinking rain water won't be an option…but until then go with the rain water to help keep your home supply fresh.

STEP #7 - Electricity is over-rated!  The newbie zombie survivalist will tell you to purchase a generator for your home.  BIG - MISTAKE!  The electricity won't fail for at least 1-2 months (unless you forgot to pay your bill) so at least you and the family have time to read at night or watch Superman IV on DVD for the fiftieth time.  When Edison's dream truly does vanish, well then it's time to get used to living sun-up until sun-down.  Many people will turn to generators at this point (and you'll out live them) for the convenience.  Two problems with a generator: Noise and more noise.  Noise will attract zombies.  Even worse noise will attract human-raiders who without electricity will have immediately devolved into Lord of the Flies-Law.  You home may be secure (extremely secure if you followed Steps 1-6) but I wouldn't wish a double attack on anyone…especially not for a few measly watts of power.  You and your family are better than that.

STEP #8 - Stay in the "loop"!  The Internet is always the first thing to go.  Heck at our house on a warm sunny June afternoon there's always a 50% chance of losing the Internet.  Cable TV…ditto.  So you can only imagine when the shambling pawns of Hell begin strolling around town what's going to happen to the news.  However, radio is always reliable (provided you can outwait the commercials).  Keep a battery powered radio handy and tune in 2 times a day at regular intervals.  Don't check in too much or your batteries will be drained.  Don't check in enough and you'll miss the announcement about the planned Napalm drop that will be targeting your neighborhood shortly.  Remember, when using your radio to keep the volume low.  There's nothing a wandering zombie enjoys more than the comforting sounds of static to let them know that dinner is within range.

STEP #9 - Do not go on the offensive!  At this point you're probably feeling very safe now that your home and family are secure.  Heck you might be planning to make a run for some fresh supplies, to check for other survivors, or even to get some "payback" on those damn stinking zombies!  No Sir.  You do not rock the boat when things are going smoothly.  For all you know the zombie plague will end within 4-6 weeks (it won't but we can hope) and you can easily survive with at least 85% of your family in tow.  Leaving your fortress (a.k.a. your home) is just a flawed strategy.  Even if your old kindergarten teacher is pounding on your front door begging to be let in before she is torn to ribbons - not your problem.  Your problem is staying alive and maintaining the status quo.  The minute you sucker yourself into a game of, "I gotta kill me some zombies."  Then you lose!  That's why guns and ammo are not needed for a safe and secure life in post-zombie America.

STEP #10 - Escape packs; do you know where yours is?  Alaskan fishermen rely on their dry-suits to keep them alive should their ship sink into the Bering Sea.  If your home should at some point falter when under siege, then it may be time to take the high road and get out of Dodge.  If you've followed Steps 4 and 5 then you're in no immediate rush but when it's time to stepping, you want a backpack to come with you.  A good backpack means the difference between surviving on the road and being weighed down and devoured by the shambling zombie masses who manage to gain ground on your overweighed behind.  What should you have in your emergency pack?  Water, dry rations, first-aid kit, a flashlight, and clean underwear (your mom may still be alive and if so, she'd be embarrassed at your soiled remains).  The odds of you ever needing this escape pack are slim to none…but if you've read the list all the way to Step #10 then you're smart enough to know that…excuse me…someone or thing is knocking down my door.

You can worry that your neighbor will mock you for taking the first steps to be pro-active against the zombie apocalypse that is sure to befall us all…or you can survive it by following these steps.  The choice is yours!

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

Lumber
Tools (hammer, sledgehammer, saw, drill)
Nails and screws
Ladder (rope ladder)
Chains and locks
Radio (battery powered)
Lanterns
Water-purifier tablets
Backpack (containing nothing more than water, dry rations, first-aid kit, flashlight, and clean underwear)

Godzilla 2014 & TGT2




My wife and I are fans!  We were there at the first advance showing
IMAX 3-D was incredible!  When Godzilla roared - WOW!

The summer of 2013 was a Kaiju filled three months in my house.  That’s when I was inspired to collect my thoughts on twenty-three films from the Kaiju Eiga library and see if it would work as a book.  The finished product has worked better than I could have expected.  In fact, the fun of watching movies with giant monsters was so engrossing that it pushed several of my other writing projects (including this blog) to the background.

 



The Sequel!  Prototype cover image!

And, this summer will be more of the same.  Besides booking my tickets for G-Fest XXI in Chicago this July, I have also been hard at work on the second volume of Kaiju Eiga goodness which I am calling There Goes Tokyo 2: Kaiju Boogaloo.  I’ve been talking with my cover artist on various designs and am attaching our first pass (plenty of changes coming).  We want it close enough to the original to invoke a sequel without being too much of a copy.  I'll hold off on any reveals until it's closer to sales time.  At this point in the writing I have completed the Heisei Series and will be shortly entering into the Millennium Series.  All told, this volume will contain thirty different Kaiju movies (so considering both of those series are totaling thirteen movies there’s plenty of room for some surprises - and boy did I watch a couple stinkers!).  The biggest shock was when I compiled my list of possible choices I discovered there's enough Kaiju Eiga films remaining for a third and even a fourth book in the future.  Most likely I'll wait for a Pacific Rim 2 or Godzilla 2 to have at least a couple main films to tie into all these obscure titles. 

I also have an actual novel to finish first.  I'm currently 65 pages into what looks to be a 300+ page book.  I have all the notes and plotting worked out.  There's only one character so that makes much of the writing fairly easy.  Oh and there's...monsters too...but more to human scale.  Besides works in progress I also have a long finished collection which I will be releasing shortly - the completed HORROR 101 - look for it sometime in October.  I have at least managed to get to my computer and write every single day on one project or another (a first for me as a writer).

 


My notes, never looked at the page - too dark.

Obviously the big release for Kaiju fans this summer is Legendary’s new Godzilla movie.  This was a first for me, not only seeing a great movie on the big screen multiple times, but also attempting to take notes of the movie at the same time.  It’s an interesting experience writing in a dark movie theatre, there’s no point in trying to look at what you are writing, you simply write and hope at the conclusion of the movie there is something legible and straight on the paper.  Luckily my wife has become a diehard Godzilla fan and was able to assist with the highs and lows of the movie as I furiously wrote.  Did I mention AMC provided us with a private screening?  Well, they didn’t but through fate we were all alone in the theatre.  When the lights came up I had four pages of thorough notes and a surprised look from an usher wondering, “What the hell is this guy doing?”

Here’s a picture of my movie snack leftovers along with my notes, taken as the credits rolled.  Interesting that four pages of notes translated to a nineteen page chapter in the book.  For the diehard fans, look for this to be on sale in December 2014.

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS!

Things always seem to be hectic this time of the year.  Not sure if it is the changing of season from winter to spring but the months of March and April always keep me buried under a myriad of problems from home fixer-up moments, to work headaches, to the ever enjoyable, “There’s too many TV shows on my DVR.”  No matter, writing during this time of the year involves a great deal of creativity, and that’s simply to free up the actual time to sit down and write.

I am finishing my next release Horror 101 (yes you have seen the book cover on my main site www.latenighthorrors.com as well as to the right on this very blog) and that book will finally see the finish line by June.  And of course my fourth book (top secret) is also about twenty percent complete which should have it available before the end of calendar year 2014.  So, with all that writing my blog naturally tends to be overlooked.  But the one addition I wanted to take care of was to include my review for Godzilla: King of the Monsters! complete with some nice photos.  My collection There Goes Tokyo! has been selling quite well and I’m seeing some nice reviews and getting some pleasant emails which makes it very rewarding.  Even though this review is the one that’s free to read on any of the major ebook sites I wanted to include it to my site for one simple reason – Godzilla (2014)!  The new movie looks incredible but you must pay tribute to the granddaddy that started it all and that journey begins in 1954 with the original.  And of course if you enjoy this trip down memory lane (or if you're new to Kaiju Eiga) then I endorse you purchasing my book and experiencing all the original thrills and excitement of the entire Showa Era of giant monster movies!

 

 

 GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS!

 “If he saw a monster, he’s had too much sake.”

 If you’re at all interested in Kaiju Eiga, then it’s time to start our journey.  We really should begin with the granddaddy of them all: from Toho studios comes the 1956 classic, Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  The exclamation point is mandatory.  I mean, this is Godzilla we’re talking about…Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  Now, right off the bat I know there will be fanboys out there crying, “No Mike, Godzilla came out in Japan in 1954!  And, the movie was called Gojira!”  If you’re that person I will now direct you to go back a few pages and immerse yourself in this book’s well written introduction.

And for the rest…we proceed…

Godzilla: King of the Monsters! is the birth place of Kaiju and the starting point of the Showa Era which is the focus of this book.  It is also a great movie, but, oddly, the one Godzilla film I was not a fan of as a youth.  After being deluged with many of the later Godzilla movies, this film was quite a shock to my young brain when I tuned in only to be greeted by an unsettling, somber movie delivered in the equally unsettling visual art form known as black and white!  Seriously, the most vivid memory I have of my first exposure to this movie was walking across the living room, hitting the side of our TV, and then turning the dial (yes, I am that old) back-and-forth to different channels to make sure the color setting wasn’t malfunctioning.  Had I been a few years older I most likely would have followed this up by picking up the phone and dialing our local WXYZ station and informing them, “You are accidentally showing the four o’clock movie in…(ack)…black and white!  Fix this promptly or I shall ask my parents to remove our antenna so we can stop watching all of your free programming!”

Those problems of a young child in the Midwest pale when compared to the symbolic message displayed on my television as the people of Japan rightly dealt with the atomic devastation of their country by focusing on the aftermath and the subsequent birth of a giant irradiated prehistoric lizard.  Over repeated viewings, it became obvious to me how US filmmakers inserted American actor Raymond Burr throughout the Japanese movie.  I’m guessing if this version ever aired in Japan that nation soon had a new source of national derision as America soiled their powerful message movie with a second-class actor.  Although in 1998 when Roland Emmerich and Mathew Broderick helped deliver the much hated US remake of Godzilla, the nation of Japan could not unite with hatred to different American filmmakers and actors

Eighty-four minutes of celluloid history created a franchise that would last forever (and give birth to at least one great book whose sole purpose is admiration for Kaiju Eiga).  The movie begins with reporter Steve Martin (not so much the wild and crazy guy variety) stopping off in Japan.  Luckily, he brought his cigarettes and pipe, since our main protagonist will spend more time smoking than having a participatory role in the action and destruction that take place all around him.  At varying spots throughout the movie Martin does have time to contact his editor at the United World News, in Chicago, to relay some of the information he’s recorded.

I view these moments much like in an episode of the classic television show Kolchak: The Night Stalker when Carl Kolchak would contact his editor with stories about vampires, werewolves, and mummies.  Inevitably his editor would blow up at him and tell him he was out of his mind.  Here, though, Martin seems to carry more clout, although his reporting and interviewing skills leave a lot to be desired.  It’s doubtful his skills are showcased in any college-level journalism courses.  Steve Martin is no Woodward and Bernstein, but he’s at least confident enough in his own abilities to deliver lines like, “Terrible sea of fire engulfs all…sign it ‘Steve Martin.’”  You want to talk about balls the size of…well, Godzilla.  Martin always makes it clear to the editor that, “Crazy shit is going down and I stand by my story, so be sure my name is attached at all times.”  I’m guessing the Pulitzer that year was pretty much locked up after the debris was cleared and people could actually find the Pulitzer.

Martin is in Japan for a social visit.  Impeccable timing, since Godzilla will be dropping by shortly for his own social visit.  While at this point the people of Japan don’t know who Godzilla is, everyone knows Steve Martin (and not just because he sings that King Tut song).  Steve is in town to visit his good friends, Dr. Yamane, Emiko, Ogata, and the semi-mysterious Dr. Serizawa.  Of these good friends, none appear to want to share actual screen time with Martin in fact, they regularly face away from the camera only allowing us views of the backs of their heads.  Eye contact and line of site be damned, even when a meaningful conversation is expected.  Again the fanboys will be shouting, “American filmmakers butchered this movie and edited Raymond Burr into it!  That’s why nobody wants to be seen talking to him.”  I get it, but it’s worth mentioning because once you know what to look for during the movie, it does add a new level of both humor and appreciation because for technology in use in 1956, the filmmakers did a decent job with the inserts.

No sooner has Martin pulled out his pipe in the land of the Rising Sun than a bevy of cargo ships burst into flame.  Not only do they catch fire, they sink like a bowling ball, ignoring all scientific theories of buoyancy.  Martin gets wind of the story and heads to Odo Island just as a powerful ocean storm strikes.  To give you an idea of the intensity of this typhoon, it’s strong enough to interrupt Martin as he lies in his tent-bed smoking.  The storm brings rain, wind, and lightning, but there seems to be an added bonus.  Loud thundering pounding footsteps?  Perhaps a roar?  Martin’s coverage of the storm sums it up as, “It was more than rain, wind, and lightning.”  Notice he wasn’t signing his name to this reporting.  Even Steve Martin isn’t confident enough to start speculating in his column about what was lurking within that storm.  Clearly he remembers that old rule from Journalism 101: you need proof.

We’re now about twenty-eight minutes into the movie.  The controlling interest at Toho knew it was time for a reveal, lest the audience think this movie was merely about casual reporting, freak island storms, and boating disasters.  The occupants of Odo Island run from their village up into the mountains, where they are greeted by everyone’s first view of Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  People scream, people run, and Steve Martin knows that he’s stumbled onto the story of a lifetime.  “It’s big and terrible and more frightening than I thought possible.”  Trivia experts will recognize this line as the original one uttered by Roy Scheider in Jaws, until consultants informed him that the line was actually supposed to be, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”  Not sure how Roy made that goof, but it’s a good story.

It’s clear the United World News is sitting on a big scoop.  The movie handles this well, in spite of Godzilla being – a man in a rubber suit (full respect to that “man” because the suit weighed over two hundred pounds), using solid editing to enhance the sense of awe and menace of the surroundings.

Luckily, the Japanese military isn’t really interested in explanations.  They immediately set their fleet into full action and depth charge the hell out of the ocean where Godzilla was last sighted.  The montage footage is taken from a military film reel.  It made me curious whether it was from World War II or simply film of naval exercises but I wasn’t curious enough to research the matter, I mean, I’m watching Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  Turns out, footage was merely naval exercises filmed by the movies director Ishiro Honda

One doctor, however, states that his fear is that Godzilla was spawned from Spandium-90 and the repeated use of H-Bombs.  That’s pretty much the only acknowledgement of this sort of thing in the American version of the movie: however, I’m betting the Japanese version, Gojira is littered with references to the amounts of American-induced atomic radiation that contaminated their country.  Keep in mind, he wasn’t subtitled as “King of the Monsters!” in the Japanese version, so contrary to popular belief American filmmakers did bring some positive elements to the Godzilla franchise.

After this small bombardment the military has clearly won and Godzilla is dead.  So Steve Martin heads back to Tokyo to reconnect with his friends.  There’s eye-patch wearing Dr. Serizawa, the typical scientist who only has eye for his work.  Serizawa has overlooked beautiful Emiko for too long, and she’s drifted toward strong-fellow Ogata.  In a last-ditch effort to win back Emiko’s love, Serizawa tosses a small disc-invention into a fish tank, but instead of sighing in awe and appreciation for his work, she screams in horror.  The effect of this disc is never displayed, however it’s dangerous enough that Serizawa wears gloves while he handles the device.  Except then he doesn’t remove his gloves, not even when Emiko runs into his arms and he protectively holds her.

Now, I have had extensive Blood Borne Pathogen training, and I know for a fact that in a laboratory you need to take those gloves off and dispose of them in a proper fashion.  Otherwise scientists would be tossing devices into fish tanks and then eating a sandwich or taking a piss, and then who knows what’s ending up in their Albacore or on their glans?  Perhaps Emiko left Serizawa after his demonstration of poor laboratory safety methods?

Meanwhile, there’s a lot happening in Tokyo, but nothing that Martin can really lock his reporting chops into.  We mainly see him smoke his pipe and long for a real juicy story that’s going to make this entire trip worthwhile and allow him to write it off as work related on his taxes.

Godzilla solves all of Martin’s problems.

I know you’re saying, “Wait a minute Mike, you said the military killed Godzilla.”  Yeah, well turns out I was wrong.  Because if they had succeeded then Godzilla: King of the Monsters! would only be about forty-eight minutes long.  That would be unacceptable, and definitely not worthy of the exclamation marks we are required to use when referring to the movie.

So, one night Godzilla lumbers out of Tokyo Harbor: he’s decided it’s time to show Japan who’s the new boss.  Godzilla destroys some dock area and a few power lines.  Then, in a colossal mess of poor scheduling, the Japan Rail train happens to drive past, and Godzilla pays homage to King Kong by assuring the destruction of any form of mass transit that passes within his reach.  Godzilla didn’t make the rules, but damned if he doesn’t live by them.

This is a nice scene, and works surprisingly well, thanks to the black-and-white imagery.  The shadows help hide wirework, and Godzilla is pretty scary, being a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a fire breathing dragon.  Although people mock “men in monster costumes,” the scene works because it has realism in movement and destruction that the stop motion effects of King Kong could not deliver.  The Godzilla presented in this movie reaches a level of fright that future versions were unable (or unwilling) to attempt.

Here’s the problem now facing Japan in the movie: they didn’t get the memo that they are dealing with Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  The military is mobilizing again, and this time thrilling music accompanies the procession.  I get excited when I hear that music, but Kaiju tend to become equally infuriated thus guaranteeing destruction levels to match the bass (or as Spinal Tap would say, “Turning it up to ’11.’”)  Once those tanks and jets are all in position, Godzilla rises out of the bay again to teach another harsh lesson to the Land of the Rising Sun.

“A prehistoric monster the Japanese call Godzilla is walking out of Tokyo Bay.  He’s as tall as a thirty-story building!”  That’s Steve Martin handling the play-by-play as some serious shit goes down.  Had Blue Oyster Cult been formed in 1956, this would have been the ideal time for the lyrics “Oh no!  There goes Tokyo!” to be playing in the background.  Much like when Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped off at a Los Angeles police station in The Terminator, Godzilla isn’t fucking around anymore [Note: Spoiler alert: More than “thirty cops” are killed by Godzilla.]  There’s stomping, smashing, and the coup de grace when Godzilla huffs out some acid, followed by his trademark radioactive breath.  Martin’s on the microphone, “Neither man nor his machines can stop this creature!”  Probably not his most descriptive reporting, but I’m sure the editors at the United World News will punch it up with some adjectives to sell more copies.

Godzilla’s not done by damn sight.  As the fire and explosions spread across town, a whole gaggle of Japanese reporters and photographers have massed together on a radio tower to see who can get the best view of this disaster.  Luckily, Godzilla aims to help each of them score primo pictures and first-hand accounts.  In what is arguably the best-ever illustration of how flash photography provokes animals, Godzilla brings down the entire tower!  There’s a neat on-board viewpoint that shows the tipping and eventual plummet of each of these screaming newshounds as they meet their death.  If these eager beavers had followed the lead of veteran Steve Martin they might have avoided Godzilla’s wrath.

But, wait!  Before Martin can reach for his next tobacco fix, Godzilla has turned his insatiable anger on the very building where our American eye-witness is relaying all of these exciting details.  “This is it, George!  Steve Martin signing off from Tokyo, Japan!”  And with those heroic words the ceiling collapses on Martin.

With the American down for the count, Godzilla has time for one final bridge flip, delivered in real “fuck you”-style to the people of Japan.  I think everyone can agree that this was totally unnecessary.

The survivors of this rampage are taken to over-crowded medical facilities where they are first tested with Geiger counters before being given a space on the floor.  Steve Martin passes his radiation test and meets Emiko who (in a painfully awkward exchange at 1:01:00) decides to fill in the details of what, exactly, Dr. Serizawa was up to all those scenes back, when he dropped his device into the fish tank.

The device is called an Oxygen Destroyer, and it is capable of removing all the “O” from H₂0.  It works like the world’s worst Alka-Seltzer.  All of the fish inside that tank were quickly dissolved.  However, I did notice that a large amount of water still remained in the tank.  If all the oxygen had been removed then instead of water this tank should simply be filled with H₂.  Now I’m not a scientist but H₂ is simply a molecule of hydrogen and it really shouldn’t look like water.  But maybe the Mythbusters can tackle this item for us - we’ve still got Godzilla to deal with.

Fish in Dr. Serizawa’s possession have a shorter shelf life than the critters in the tanks at Red Lobster on Good Friday.  With nothing more to prove and his love life in disarray, Dr. Serizawa is talked into using his device on Godzilla.  A boat is readied, Dr. Serizawa, Ogata, and Emiko are front and center to wage an assault on Godzilla.  Steve Martin is along for the ride, observing from the sidelines as our faithful reporter-hero has been trained to do.  Dr. Serizawa dons a heavy diving bell suit and descends into Tokyo Bay looking for Godzilla.  The Oxygen Destroyer is activated as Godzilla awakens from his nap and approaches over some underwater hills.  Dr. Serizawa’s only faithful love is the science of invention, so he cuts his safety line and embraces the Oxygen Destroyer as Godzilla moves in for the kill.  Much like the active ingredient in Scrubbing Bubbles, the bubbles do the scrubbing so the people of Japan don’t have to.

Godzilla’s skin is dissolved…and then his bones melt away, as Steve Martin finalizes his Story of the Century…

“People of the World, Godzilla is dead!”

 

Final Thoughts

 Just that fast, the movie is over!  Apparently in 1956 cleaning out a theater and ushering in the next audience took the place of fussy production-value details like allowing a movie to conclude with any form of dramatic pacing.  This abrupt end becomes a staple of pretty much all Kaiju Eiga.  Once the monster has been vanquished, don’t blink, or you’ll find that the movie has completely wrapped up and the lights have been turned on and you’re being asked to leave.  (This is awkward and unsettling if you happen to be watching the movie at home…)

Godzilla: King of the Monsters! is a better movie than I remembered from my youth.  As a child I was always more enamored with the Godzilla movies that included multiple monsters, or those that incorporated a “vs.” in the title.  For a movie that essentially revolves around a man in a rubber-monster suit, Godzilla has a gravity that you seldom experience in Kaiju Eiga.  Certainly the aftermath of the atomic bombs helps maintain the serious message about man’s tampering with forces beyond his control and the unforeseen calamity that may erupt years later.  It’s a cryptic message that was also touched upon in Them! (See Bonus Review #2 – and, where do they get off stealing that exclamation point?)  When a Kaiju-centered movie handles a gripping message this deftly, it alters the overall experience in a good way.  When a Kaiju movie completely stumbles with the message and beats you over the head with it, you end up with a piece of junk called Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster.

Truly, Godzilla: King of the Monsters! is a solid movie.  The laughter is solely gained from the inclusion of the extra scenes of Raymond Burr’s character (and the original filmmakers had nothing to do with that) and with his overall impotence throughout the proceedings.  I am embarrassed to admit I have never seen the original Gojira.  I should watch it sometime since I do own it, but my love for the Americanized version and the nostalgia it provides tend to override my need to experience the original uncut film.

With my praise of this movie complete, several questions still linger.

What happened to the fishing industry in Japan?  If Serizawa’s Oxygen Destroyer removed all of the oxygen from the water, certainly enough to dissolve both Godzilla and himself, it stands to reason that millions of fish were equally killed.  I would have to imagine the price of sushi went through the roof.

How did Dr. Serizawa get that eye-patch?  For a mild-mannered, fish-killing scientist, Serizawa sports some real tough-guy eye-wear.  Was he formerly with the military?  Or is this a result of his patented bad lab etiquette?  After all, you never see the good doctor put on even one set of safety glasses.

Where will Steve Martin’s globe-trotting reporting take him next?  What adventures await his causal observations from the sideline?  Does he turn into one of those annoying people who simply sit around the newsroom talking about Godzilla?  I imagine that when Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon, Martin was sitting in front of a TV with the other employees at the United World News and telling everyone, “That’s pretty impressive, it reminds me of the time Godzilla destroyed Tokyo and I was there to see it firsthand.”  Inevitably this would be met by eye rolling from his cohort who must endure this story on a weekly basis.

Finally the big question is: Will Godzilla ever return?

I feel comfortable in saying that, thanks to Dr. Serizawa’s brilliance and his personal sacrifice, the people of Japan are now safe and have nothing more to fear from any form of giant monster.

Kaiju Rule 1: Monsters must destroy things for your entertainment.

            Excellent.  Godzilla does a solid amount of destruction!

Kaiju Rule 2: Laughing out loud is mandatory.

            Average.  Although this is the most serious entry for Kaiju Eiga, chuckles can still be found thanks to Steve Martin’s interactions with people who clearly exist in another movie.

Kaiju Rule 3: You must be entertained at all times.

            Excellent.  There’s plenty going on with Godzilla: King of the Monsters! that even Kaiju Eiga newbies or non-fans will be entertained.

 YOUR KAIJU EIGA CHECKLIST:

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS!

How accurate is the title?: Since Godzilla started the entire Kaiju Eiga genre, the title is 100% accurate.  Godzilla is in the movie, and based on the damage he does he makes a strong case for both being called King of the Monsters and for claiming eternal use of all exclamation marks after the title.

Original Japanese Title: Gojira

One Sentence Synopsis: The horrors of atomic radiation spawn Godzilla, who unleashes his own brand of horror on the people of Tokyo before they successfully melt him.

Our Moral Message: The use of nuclear powered weapons may unleash disastrous monsters upon society.

Kaiju entrance: Godzilla appears over a mountainside and roars.  Villagers of Odo Island stop and take many pictures, thus ensuring stereotypes that will persist for decades.

Good Kaiju: None

Bad Kaiju: Godzilla

Kaiju Timeline: First entry into Japanese Kaiju Eiga.

First line of dialogue when people see Kaiju: “Look at the size of those footprints.”

Kaiju firsts: Godzilla meets Tokyo.  Godzilla attacks Tokyo and levels towers, buildings, the mobile military, and pretty much everything in his path.  “There goes Tokyo”…indeed.  Godzilla meets Raymond Burr (a sizable US acting import).

How bad is the situation?: “It’s big and terrible and more frightening than I thought possible.”

Best intended moment of the movie: Godzilla’s Tokyo attack, which levels at least fifty percent of the city and is capped with the “F-U” bridge flip.

Best accidental moment of the movie: Godzilla decides to take precision aim at one lone police car.  The explosion kills several officers one of whom dies with a girlish scream (the Anti-Wilhelm Scream if you will).  Look for it at 53:47.

Single most quotable line of dialogue: “You have your fear, which might become reality, and you have Godzilla which is reality.”

Best action moment: When fifty percent of Tokyo becomes property “Ready to Build.”

Total amount of destruction: Flaming boats sunk, wrecked train, burned tanks, radio towers toppled, electrical towers ripped low, and skyscrapers that drop faster than you can say “Jenga!”

Body count: Off-screen, thousands.  On-screen, people get burned alive and several unwillingly plummet to their deaths or are buried under rubble.  Dr. Serizawa melts.  Godzilla melts.

Last line of dialogue: “The menace was gone, so was a great man, but the whole world could wake up and live again.”

Kaiju exit: Godzilla’s nap is ruined by the Oxygen Destroyer, which melts his skin and then dissolves his bones.  Tough to bounce back from this one.