SING-ALONG WITH ROD!

Rod Stewart.

Years ago I worked with someone who had met Rod Stewart at a club here in Detroit.

"Was he a nice guy?" I asked her.

"Not really. He just wanted to have sex with me. When I made it clear that wasn't going to happen he moved on to other girls." Was her response.

Sigh, Rod…fucking…Stewart. I'm not even really a fan although I do enjoy the piano licks on Downtown Train. No, when I think of Rod Stewart I think of being a 10-14 year old boy driving around with my dad with Rod Stewart's Greatest Hits playing from the tape deck. At some point after Maggie May and Georgie Boy inevitably Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright) would come on. Sure my fingers may have tapped and my feet may have shuffled while sitting there in the 1978 Buick Regal next to my pop. But, it was just a song.

Flash forward to 2010 when I get my Sirius satellite radio and Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright) pops up. It's been almost 30 years so I give it a good listen.

WHAT THE FUCK! I think I had a moratorium on embarrassment for 30-years that suddenly came due. There is some fucked up shit going on in that song.

So Rod and I will break it all down for you…Stewart-style.

(ahem)

Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright)

Stay away from my window
Stay away from my back door too
*Ok, his date begins by issuing warnings to his female (we hope) guest. Can't think of ever being on a date where I felt the need to cordon off areas of my house. Granted, you can argue that Rod's talking to his neighbors who may be Peeping Tom's and since Rod knows he's getting laid tonight he doesn't want to put on a "free show". But, let's not be silly.

Disconnect the telephone line
Relax baby and draw that blind
*There goes the phone. Hmmm…if I'm the chick (we hope…come on you remember those rumors circulating in the 80's) my "Danger Will Robinson!" is going off now. "Relax baby"…who talks like this? And after being told to stay away from the windows and doors and to unplug the phone…who on this Earth could then relax.

Kick off your shoes and sit right down
Loosen up that pretty French gown
*Rod's got to get the shoes away from his guest, since shoes can be used as weapons. Especially when fending off the advances of a creep like Rod Stewart. "Pretty French Gown"…Ok probably a chick. If he had said, "Take off your sailor's suit" then we may have had more to talk about.

Let me pour you a good long drink
Ooh baby don't you hesitate cause
*Frankly, I'm amazed it took this long to bring alcohol into the equation.

Tonights the night
It's gonna be alright
Cause I love you girl
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now
*So he loves you and "nobody gonna stop us now". Um, Rod. She could still stop you. "NO" means "NO". I learned that in college when I heard:
"NO."
"We shouldn't."
"This would ruin our friendship."
"Get off me creep!"

"Help! Police!"

"Can you please take a breath mint!"

Bullshit! My stomach still gets all knotty just thinking about those lost evenings of happy Christian fun.

C'mon angel my hearts on fire
Don't deny your man's desire
*"My hearts on fire"? Your crotch maybe. Have you ever had blue balls? Man, worst feeling on the planet. To be rolling around with a girl and then to feel like someone jack-hammered your balls. I remember once in college pleading for "relief" from the agony of Blue Ball Pain. I wasn't pleading to a girl either. I was in her bathroom quietly whimpering and pleading to God to make the pain go away. Ice cold can of pop or beer right on the giblets…makes it feel much better.

You'd be a fool to stop this tide
Spread your wings and let me come inside
*"You'd be a fool to stop this tide"…see, Rod's got Blue Balls too! I believe I've used this line on Mrs. Jumper a few times to prepare her for the utter disappointment I knew she'd be feeling 2 minutes and 15 seconds later.
As for that second line, how on Earth did I ever sit in a car next to my dad and listen to that delivery and not have a clue what was going on? Today if I was in the same car with my parents when that song came on…I'd open the door and end up rolling down I-75 just to save myself the embarrassment. Still, "spread your wings and let me come inside" is truly the money shot of all song lyrics.

Tonights the night
It's gonna be alright
Cause I love you girl
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now
*Trust me Rod, if you tell a girl to "spread her wings and let you come inside" and she doesn't break for the door. Nobody is going to stop you. Have at this little tramp.

Don't say a word my virgin child
Just let your inhibitions run wild
*Virgin. Hahaha! No girl's are virgins - FACT! The Myth Busters debunked that shit years ago! All girl's are damaged goods who come prepared with two lines, "Well, I had sex but I never enjoyed it until I was with you." And "You're much bigger than my last boyfriend." Virgin…fah!

The secret is about to unfold
Upstairs before the night's too old
*Secret? You lost me Rod. Trust me, this chick is not a virgin. If she was, she'd have been running for the door after the first verse.

Tonights the night
It's gonna be alright
Cause I love you woman
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now
*Speaking of "ain't nobody gonna stop us now", when Mrs. Jumper first got on facebook she grilled the hell out of me to get names of my past girlfriends. Apparently she wanted to be sure facebook was a "secure" site for me to visit. I had an awful lot of trouble remembering names of past dalliances (complete names)…and YET…those girls who said:
"NO."
"We shouldn't."
"This would ruin our friendship."
"Get off me creep!"
"Help! Police!"
"Can you please take a breath mint!"
Yeah, I remember those names perfectly. Son of a bitch.

I hate you Rod Stewart.

SET PHASERS TO "FUN"!

A few years ago I became addicted to the MMORPG (massive multi-player online role playing game for those not in the "know") City of Heroes. I loved the game so much that I started shutting out some of my daily activities to just wander around as a superhero battling crime in a nice little fantasy world. One day I woke up and played for 14 hours straight (Mrs. Jumper brought me lunch and snacks). Eventually I had to call it quits in order to get back to the real world. But what a ride it was. I will always fondly remember the adventures of Reconciler, AJAX Gold, and Project: Spartan).

Now in 2010 I've delved back into the world of MMORPG with Star Trek Online. Yep...it's fun and addictive as all get out. However, since I was always more of a superhero fan, it doesn't quite have the same grip on me that City of Heroes had. Still, the graphics are stellar (out of this world...haha) and it's a blast going into ship-vs-ship combat against the Klingons, Borg, and a variety of other nuisance alien species. The added fun of Star Trek online is that the missions are varied so for every ship action mission there's also landing party missions. The missions also have a decent balance between all out battle and scientific exploration. I've been playing for a month and have clocked 13+ hours...so it seems there's a nice balance I'm striking between my real life and the Star Trek Universe.

The overall game gets a solid 'A' from me. And remember, this is coming from the Captain of the U.S.S. Damacles...along with his faithful bridge crew: T'Pau, Salyeri, Booster, and Fife. So maybe we'll see you sometime in our jaunts around the stars.