Recently my cable box has been aflame with showings of Road House. The movie is like a rash on every channel akin to The Beastmaster in the 1980's. Naturally I've watched the movie pretty much everytime it's flashed in front of my eyes. In those hundreds of viewings it's dawned on me that there's some pretty serious life lessons that the movie is furiously working to impart upon the viewer.
One can say that Road House is a perfect primer for all father’s to show
their sons (BE A MAN 101 if you will). The movie flawlessly explores thousands of
teachable moments while maintaining an outwardly appearance that it is nothing more
than a simple modern day western about a “not so big” philosopher cleaning up a
local watering hole.
What can your child expect to garner from sitting down and
watching Road House? Here’s just a
sampling of the educational opportunities contained in this cinematic
powerhouse:
1) Entrepreneurship – not everyone was made to be a CEO,
some of us have to use the knuckle-busting philosophical skills that God gave
us. $5,000 down, $500 a night, and all medical expenses covered is an
excellent start!
2) Real Estate –
never build your quaint farmhouse on the opposite side of the river from the
town’s helicopter owning psychotic. You
and your horses are just asking for trouble.
3) Fashion – what do
you do with that old picnic tablecloth if you’re a high paid doctor? Well turn it into a dress and then go down
for some swill at the town’s worst bar…of course. (OK, not every father has a son...so this one's for the daughter's out there)
4) Automobiles – all
bouncers own BMW’s – FACT!
5) Auto-Finance – the
best day to get a loan for your new BMW is the same day the local tuffs drive a
monster-truck through the auto dealership.
Commission and paperwork tend to be reduced in importance for a few
hours so you should be driving off the lot with your new car and a low rate in
no time.
6) Social Etiquette –
“Be nice”. When a guy comes at you and
says, “I used to &*%$ guys like you in prison!” You have two options…one of them is obviously
the throat rip.
7) Romance – not
anyone can charm a girl into removing her clothes and immediately striking a submissive position by delivering lines like, “Oh baby, you gonna be my
regular Saturday night!” But with
practice and patience…it’ll happen.
8) Ballet-Kwon-Do – a
seldom practiced martial art that involves kicking and prancing with your toes
straight. Fights often explode into well
choreographed encounters that both inflict damage to your opponent and keep them
entertained at the same time.
9) Home Décor –
nothing spices up a riverfront property like a room filled with stuffed safari
(aka poaching) kills ranging from antelopes to lions to the various body parts
of people that didn’t agree with you.
The topper is always the polar bear…find yours and kill it while in your
20’s to maximize the number of years of enjoyment it will bring you.
10) Shotguns – the
best way to return a town to peace and tranquility - the pump action.
It is the civic responsibility of all people to be sure that
the next generation learn these and all lessons imparted by Road House to help
hone a better society. For those
interested in going the more literary route, I also recommend the books:
COWARDS & BLEEDERS AND HOW TO REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR FRONT LAWN by Brad Wesley and THE TOURIST'S GUIDE TO JASPER: “OUR TOWN AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!” by Tilghman, Stroudermire, Emmett, and
Webster.
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