Thursday, July 19, 2012

Road House and YOU! Life Lessons for Every Generation!

Recently my cable box has been aflame with showings of Road House.  The movie is like a rash on every channel akin to The Beastmaster in the 1980's.  Naturally I've watched the movie pretty much everytime it's flashed in front of my eyes.  In those hundreds of viewings it's dawned on me that there's some pretty serious life lessons that the movie is furiously working to impart upon the viewer.

One can say that Road House is a perfect primer for all father’s to show their sons (BE A MAN 101 if you will).  The movie flawlessly explores thousands of teachable moments while maintaining an outwardly appearance that it is nothing more than a simple modern day western about a “not so big” philosopher cleaning up a local watering hole.

What can your child expect to garner from sitting down and watching Road House?  Here’s just a sampling of the educational opportunities contained in this cinematic powerhouse:

1) Entrepreneurship – not everyone was made to be a CEO, some of us have to use the knuckle-busting philosophical skills that God gave us.  $5,000 down, $500 a night, and all medical expenses covered is an excellent start!

2)  Real Estate – never build your quaint farmhouse on the opposite side of the river from the town’s helicopter owning psychotic.  You and your horses are just asking for trouble.

3)  Fashion – what do you do with that old picnic tablecloth if you’re a high paid doctor?  Well turn it into a dress and then go down for some swill at the town’s worst bar…of course. (OK, not every father has a this one's for the daughter's out there)

4)  Automobiles – all bouncers own BMW’s – FACT!

5)  Auto-Finance – the best day to get a loan for your new BMW is the same day the local tuffs drive a monster-truck through the auto dealership.  Commission and paperwork tend to be reduced in importance for a few hours so you should be driving off the lot with your new car and a low rate in no time.

6)  Social Etiquette – “Be nice”.  When a guy comes at you and says, “I used to &*%$ guys like you in prison!”  You have two options…one of them is obviously the throat rip.

7)  Romance – not anyone can charm a girl into removing her clothes and immediately striking a submissive position by delivering lines like, “Oh baby, you gonna be my regular Saturday night!”  But with practice and patience…it’ll happen.

8)  Ballet-Kwon-Do – a seldom practiced martial art that involves kicking and prancing with your toes straight.  Fights often explode into well choreographed encounters that both inflict damage to your opponent and keep them entertained at the same time.

9)  Home Décor – nothing spices up a riverfront property like a room filled with stuffed safari (aka poaching) kills ranging from antelopes to lions to the various body parts of people that didn’t agree with you.  The topper is always the polar bear…find yours and kill it while in your 20’s to maximize the number of years of enjoyment it will bring you.

10)  Shotguns – the best way to return a town to peace and tranquility - the pump action.

It is the civic responsibility of all people to be sure that the next generation learn these and all lessons imparted by Road House to help hone a better society.  For those interested in going the more literary route, I also recommend the books: COWARDS & BLEEDERS AND HOW TO REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR FRONT LAWN by Brad Wesley and THE TOURIST'S GUIDE TO JASPER: “OUR TOWN AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!” by Tilghman, Stroudermire, Emmett, and Webster.

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