ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!

A few years ago I wrote a couple articles for eHow.  Back then that site was great and they paid you based on how many hits your article was getting.  My article was about getting ink stains out of your clothes.  Then I wrote one about choosing the best seat in a movie theatre (based on visual, sound, and asshole proximity).  Both of my articles attracted a couple of views and put a few pennies in my pocket.

Then one day the thought hit me that I was writing articles for everyday life and that’s not always the largest generator of hits when it comes to Internet search engines.  I decided to right a funny little article on fortifying your home during the, sure to happen, zombie apocalypse.  Mind you, this was before The Walking Dead hit it big on AMC and everyone in America was frothing at the mouth over all things zombie related.  I approached my article as a simple Ten Step Plan and, although meant for laughs, attached as much realistic advice as I could.  I just loved the idea of Americans scrolling across eHow looking for serious problem solutions to stumble across the ramblings of what they may deem a "maniac".  In truth, if there was a zombie outbreak this is most likely the plan I would follow, depending on alert time available.  The article was a sizable hit for me, so much so that I was shocked when the checks arrived in the mail.  I was then doubly shocked when I forgot to claim the money on my taxes and the government looked me up a few years later for their cut (and late fees).

Anyways, as I started to write some books The Ten Step Zombie Defense Plan found its way from informational article to short story.  For a time it sat in my first collection Late Night Horrors (not available yet and that’s a long story in itself) but I was never quite pleased with that.  The story had a bit of humor laced with it, and Late Night Horrors was certainly not meant to have stories that invoked laughter…except maybe uncomfortable laughter.  So the story languished on my computer…all but forgotten.

This summer I was finalizing my newest flash-fiction collection Horror 101 to send to my editor.  At the 11^th hour I realized I was not happy with the overall format of the book and I made some major changes to the story order.  This turned a random assortment of tales into a book more clearly dvidied into two halves where, now, all the stories seemed to flow much better.  Once these changes took place, both in content and story order, I then found myself one story short.

Re-enter: The Ten Step Zombie Defense Plan.

This time the tone of the story fit much better with the work surrounding it.  Still, as I read it I decided that my initial approach was far too limited and the concept could easily expand in scope, humor, and plot.  So here I am writing this final story and trying to get Horror 101 finished before August 1st so it can get to editing and formatting and have a reasonable chance of being available for sale in late September or early October (when horror books have the best chance for some increased sales).

Still, as I found myself toiling away this afternoon, I was browsing through the wastelands of my computer and came across the original eHow article which I assumed was lost.  Now, this 10-Step Plan is nowhere close to the plan that I utilize in both versions of my story, but it was still an enjoyable trip down memory lane looking at some strange idea I fostered some five or six years ago while drinking lemonade and sitting on my well-fortified deck.  So, I present the original article as I return to my daily writing duty and attempt to work out the kinks in the final 7-pages of the latest incarnation of the idea.

 

 

 

THE 10-STEP ZOMBIE DEFENSE PLAN

There are always a couple goofballs who chuckle whenever the words "Zombie Invasion" are brought up into a conversation.  But, mark my words when the undead begin crawling from their graves, laughter will be at a minimum.  So for those of us who believe that a good defense is better than - dying, I present the following 10-step plan to 100% secure your dwelling against the rotting corpses who want nothing more than to feast on your brains.

Step #1 - Move quickly!  Once the radio reports the first signs of trouble at the local morgue or cemetery, you need to be ready to roll.  The unprepared masses will be going shopping, but since you planned ahead you'll be going - into action!  Star by gaining some comfort around your home with make-shift barricades.  Cars and trucks can be parked at angles or in front of doors for added security.  If you have fences along your property, link chains and extra boards across gates.  Will it hold forever?  No.  Will it buy you time to secure your dwelling?  Absolutely.  In fact, the hordes of the undead will be so busy eating the people down at the grocery store; you'll have at least 24-hours to prepare.

Step #2 - Get those windows covered!  Unlike us breathing humans, the undead don't necessarily go for the door first.  Pull the drapes to prevent inside movement from attracting a hungry zombie.  The last thing you want is for sprinting zombies to make a bee-line to your home before you're ready to roll.  If possible get outside and use long boards (preferably 2 x 4) and screws to cover as much of the window as possible.  Very important to have someone keeping watch as you work, it doubles productivity when you're not constantly glancing over your shoulder in fear.  With the outside secure you'll next want to repeat this process on the inside.  You can never have enough lumber, so be sure to stock up at your local hardware store.  Your less informed neighbors will go for bullets and guns.  You want screws and wood.

Step #3 - The door must go!  Seal this sucker tight and permanently.  If possible weld metal over as much of the door as possible.  There's nothing the undead enjoy more than pounding on a door 24/7, it's their #1 hobby.  After boards (did I mention the importance of lumber) are placed across the doorway you'll want to wedge objects against the door and the doorframe.  I've seen many a homeowner die with the look of shock on their face when the door held fast but the entire frame gave away.  I recommend angling several long boards into place and pounding nails and screws directly into the floor.  The leverage will give you piece of mind.

Step #4 - Design your home's new entryway and exit!  You need rope or a ladder.  Now that the windows and doors are secure you're going to need a way in and out of your fortress.  This will now be achieved by using either a rope or ladder and going from either the 2nd floor or the attic and down.  The undead are poor climbers so you won't need to worry about upper level access hurting your defenses.  This step is extremely important because if you botched Steps 1-3 then at some point the legions of the undead will be inside your home, and you'll want to get out!  It's time to remove the screens in one upper floor window and/or cut a hole in the attic as your new entryway.  Don't draw too much attention to your house with this move.  By now panicking neighbors will be looking for shelter…too bad they should have read this article before things got tough.

Step #5 - Time to lose the stairs!  If your ground level defenses fail then it is still easily possible to survive on the 2nd floor of your home (sorry all you ranch owners).  Sure it won't smell good with hundreds of zombies plodding around the main floor, but as long as they can't reach you, then you'll be fine.  With your sledgehammer let's pound out all the stairs, remember to start at the top and work your way down.  This newly acquired extra lumber can help secure any failing home defenses (by now at least 1-2 windows will be under siege) or if the power has gone out you can build a small fire…keep it small and under control…and away from the shag carpeting.  With the stairs gone your way up and down is now a ladder.  If the doors or windows are breached get the entire family up stairs (ha! There are none so use the ladder and don't forget to carry the dog).  If possible pull the ladder up with you…if not knock it down.  Super-intelligent zombies are a Hollywood myth; none of the suckers attacking your home will be smart enough to put that ladder back into place.

Step #6 - Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink…for your neighbors!  But, you planned ahead and at the first ominous signs of something going afoul you filled up on precious H2O.  By now every Tupperware container, milk jug, sink, bathtub, and toilet bowl should be full of water.  Don't shortchange your drinking.  You and your loved ones need the water to prevent going over to the other team.  Remember still water can go bad over time so use your purifying tablets to keep things as safe as possible.  Bonus points for you if you planned ahead and got that urine-recycling machine (you're hardcore)!  As you empty out a container you'll want to jury-rig a shelf outside an upper floor window (not the one you plan on using for fast escapes) where rain water and dew can be collected.  Be careful, if the government plans to launch a nuclear counter-attack on the hordes from hell, then drinking rain water won't be an option…but until then go with the rain water to help keep your home supply fresh.

STEP #7 - Electricity is over-rated!  The newbie zombie survivalist will tell you to purchase a generator for your home.  BIG - MISTAKE!  The electricity won't fail for at least 1-2 months (unless you forgot to pay your bill) so at least you and the family have time to read at night or watch Superman IV on DVD for the fiftieth time.  When Edison's dream truly does vanish, well then it's time to get used to living sun-up until sun-down.  Many people will turn to generators at this point (and you'll out live them) for the convenience.  Two problems with a generator: Noise and more noise.  Noise will attract zombies.  Even worse noise will attract human-raiders who without electricity will have immediately devolved into Lord of the Flies-Law.  You home may be secure (extremely secure if you followed Steps 1-6) but I wouldn't wish a double attack on anyone…especially not for a few measly watts of power.  You and your family are better than that.

STEP #8 - Stay in the "loop"!  The Internet is always the first thing to go.  Heck at our house on a warm sunny June afternoon there's always a 50% chance of losing the Internet.  Cable TV…ditto.  So you can only imagine when the shambling pawns of Hell begin strolling around town what's going to happen to the news.  However, radio is always reliable (provided you can outwait the commercials).  Keep a battery powered radio handy and tune in 2 times a day at regular intervals.  Don't check in too much or your batteries will be drained.  Don't check in enough and you'll miss the announcement about the planned Napalm drop that will be targeting your neighborhood shortly.  Remember, when using your radio to keep the volume low.  There's nothing a wandering zombie enjoys more than the comforting sounds of static to let them know that dinner is within range.

STEP #9 - Do not go on the offensive!  At this point you're probably feeling very safe now that your home and family are secure.  Heck you might be planning to make a run for some fresh supplies, to check for other survivors, or even to get some "payback" on those damn stinking zombies!  No Sir.  You do not rock the boat when things are going smoothly.  For all you know the zombie plague will end within 4-6 weeks (it won't but we can hope) and you can easily survive with at least 85% of your family in tow.  Leaving your fortress (a.k.a. your home) is just a flawed strategy.  Even if your old kindergarten teacher is pounding on your front door begging to be let in before she is torn to ribbons - not your problem.  Your problem is staying alive and maintaining the status quo.  The minute you sucker yourself into a game of, "I gotta kill me some zombies."  Then you lose!  That's why guns and ammo are not needed for a safe and secure life in post-zombie America.

STEP #10 - Escape packs; do you know where yours is?  Alaskan fishermen rely on their dry-suits to keep them alive should their ship sink into the Bering Sea.  If your home should at some point falter when under siege, then it may be time to take the high road and get out of Dodge.  If you've followed Steps 4 and 5 then you're in no immediate rush but when it's time to stepping, you want a backpack to come with you.  A good backpack means the difference between surviving on the road and being weighed down and devoured by the shambling zombie masses who manage to gain ground on your overweighed behind.  What should you have in your emergency pack?  Water, dry rations, first-aid kit, a flashlight, and clean underwear (your mom may still be alive and if so, she'd be embarrassed at your soiled remains).  The odds of you ever needing this escape pack are slim to none…but if you've read the list all the way to Step #10 then you're smart enough to know that…excuse me…someone or thing is knocking down my door.

You can worry that your neighbor will mock you for taking the first steps to be pro-active against the zombie apocalypse that is sure to befall us all…or you can survive it by following these steps.  The choice is yours!

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

Lumber
Tools (hammer, sledgehammer, saw, drill)
Nails and screws
Ladder (rope ladder)
Chains and locks
Radio (battery powered)
Lanterns
Water-purifier tablets
Backpack (containing nothing more than water, dry rations, first-aid kit, flashlight, and clean underwear)

Godzilla 2014 & TGT2




My wife and I are fans!  We were there at the first advance showing
IMAX 3-D was incredible!  When Godzilla roared - WOW!

The summer of 2013 was a Kaiju filled three months in my house.  That’s when I was inspired to collect my thoughts on twenty-three films from the Kaiju Eiga library and see if it would work as a book.  The finished product has worked better than I could have expected.  In fact, the fun of watching movies with giant monsters was so engrossing that it pushed several of my other writing projects (including this blog) to the background.

 



The Sequel!  Prototype cover image!

And, this summer will be more of the same.  Besides booking my tickets for G-Fest XXI in Chicago this July, I have also been hard at work on the second volume of Kaiju Eiga goodness which I am calling There Goes Tokyo 2: Kaiju Boogaloo.  I’ve been talking with my cover artist on various designs and am attaching our first pass (plenty of changes coming).  We want it close enough to the original to invoke a sequel without being too much of a copy.  I'll hold off on any reveals until it's closer to sales time.  At this point in the writing I have completed the Heisei Series and will be shortly entering into the Millennium Series.  All told, this volume will contain thirty different Kaiju movies (so considering both of those series are totaling thirteen movies there’s plenty of room for some surprises - and boy did I watch a couple stinkers!).  The biggest shock was when I compiled my list of possible choices I discovered there's enough Kaiju Eiga films remaining for a third and even a fourth book in the future.  Most likely I'll wait for a Pacific Rim 2 or Godzilla 2 to have at least a couple main films to tie into all these obscure titles. 

I also have an actual novel to finish first.  I'm currently 65 pages into what looks to be a 300+ page book.  I have all the notes and plotting worked out.  There's only one character so that makes much of the writing fairly easy.  Oh and there's...monsters too...but more to human scale.  Besides works in progress I also have a long finished collection which I will be releasing shortly - the completed HORROR 101 - look for it sometime in October.  I have at least managed to get to my computer and write every single day on one project or another (a first for me as a writer).

 


My notes, never looked at the page - too dark.

Obviously the big release for Kaiju fans this summer is Legendary’s new Godzilla movie.  This was a first for me, not only seeing a great movie on the big screen multiple times, but also attempting to take notes of the movie at the same time.  It’s an interesting experience writing in a dark movie theatre, there’s no point in trying to look at what you are writing, you simply write and hope at the conclusion of the movie there is something legible and straight on the paper.  Luckily my wife has become a diehard Godzilla fan and was able to assist with the highs and lows of the movie as I furiously wrote.  Did I mention AMC provided us with a private screening?  Well, they didn’t but through fate we were all alone in the theatre.  When the lights came up I had four pages of thorough notes and a surprised look from an usher wondering, “What the hell is this guy doing?”

Here’s a picture of my movie snack leftovers along with my notes, taken as the credits rolled.  Interesting that four pages of notes translated to a nineteen page chapter in the book.  For the diehard fans, look for this to be on sale in December 2014.

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS!

Things always seem to be hectic this time of the year.  Not sure if it is the changing of season from winter to spring but the months of March and April always keep me buried under a myriad of problems from home fixer-up moments, to work headaches, to the ever enjoyable, “There’s too many TV shows on my DVR.”  No matter, writing during this time of the year involves a great deal of creativity, and that’s simply to free up the actual time to sit down and write.

I am finishing my next release Horror 101 (yes you have seen the book cover on my main site www.latenighthorrors.com as well as to the right on this very blog) and that book will finally see the finish line by June.  And of course my fourth book (top secret) is also about twenty percent complete which should have it available before the end of calendar year 2014.  So, with all that writing my blog naturally tends to be overlooked.  But the one addition I wanted to take care of was to include my review for Godzilla: King of the Monsters! complete with some nice photos.  My collection There Goes Tokyo! has been selling quite well and I’m seeing some nice reviews and getting some pleasant emails which makes it very rewarding.  Even though this review is the one that’s free to read on any of the major ebook sites I wanted to include it to my site for one simple reason – Godzilla (2014)!  The new movie looks incredible but you must pay tribute to the granddaddy that started it all and that journey begins in 1954 with the original.  And of course if you enjoy this trip down memory lane (or if you're new to Kaiju Eiga) then I endorse you purchasing my book and experiencing all the original thrills and excitement of the entire Showa Era of giant monster movies!

 

 

 GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS!

 “If he saw a monster, he’s had too much sake.”

 If you’re at all interested in Kaiju Eiga, then it’s time to start our journey.  We really should begin with the granddaddy of them all: from Toho studios comes the 1956 classic, Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  The exclamation point is mandatory.  I mean, this is Godzilla we’re talking about…Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  Now, right off the bat I know there will be fanboys out there crying, “No Mike, Godzilla came out in Japan in 1954!  And, the movie was called Gojira!”  If you’re that person I will now direct you to go back a few pages and immerse yourself in this book’s well written introduction.

And for the rest…we proceed…

Godzilla: King of the Monsters! is the birth place of Kaiju and the starting point of the Showa Era which is the focus of this book.  It is also a great movie, but, oddly, the one Godzilla film I was not a fan of as a youth.  After being deluged with many of the later Godzilla movies, this film was quite a shock to my young brain when I tuned in only to be greeted by an unsettling, somber movie delivered in the equally unsettling visual art form known as black and white!  Seriously, the most vivid memory I have of my first exposure to this movie was walking across the living room, hitting the side of our TV, and then turning the dial (yes, I am that old) back-and-forth to different channels to make sure the color setting wasn’t malfunctioning.  Had I been a few years older I most likely would have followed this up by picking up the phone and dialing our local WXYZ station and informing them, “You are accidentally showing the four o’clock movie in…(ack)…black and white!  Fix this promptly or I shall ask my parents to remove our antenna so we can stop watching all of your free programming!”

Those problems of a young child in the Midwest pale when compared to the symbolic message displayed on my television as the people of Japan rightly dealt with the atomic devastation of their country by focusing on the aftermath and the subsequent birth of a giant irradiated prehistoric lizard.  Over repeated viewings, it became obvious to me how US filmmakers inserted American actor Raymond Burr throughout the Japanese movie.  I’m guessing if this version ever aired in Japan that nation soon had a new source of national derision as America soiled their powerful message movie with a second-class actor.  Although in 1998 when Roland Emmerich and Mathew Broderick helped deliver the much hated US remake of Godzilla, the nation of Japan could not unite with hatred to different American filmmakers and actors

Eighty-four minutes of celluloid history created a franchise that would last forever (and give birth to at least one great book whose sole purpose is admiration for Kaiju Eiga).  The movie begins with reporter Steve Martin (not so much the wild and crazy guy variety) stopping off in Japan.  Luckily, he brought his cigarettes and pipe, since our main protagonist will spend more time smoking than having a participatory role in the action and destruction that take place all around him.  At varying spots throughout the movie Martin does have time to contact his editor at the United World News, in Chicago, to relay some of the information he’s recorded.

I view these moments much like in an episode of the classic television show Kolchak: The Night Stalker when Carl Kolchak would contact his editor with stories about vampires, werewolves, and mummies.  Inevitably his editor would blow up at him and tell him he was out of his mind.  Here, though, Martin seems to carry more clout, although his reporting and interviewing skills leave a lot to be desired.  It’s doubtful his skills are showcased in any college-level journalism courses.  Steve Martin is no Woodward and Bernstein, but he’s at least confident enough in his own abilities to deliver lines like, “Terrible sea of fire engulfs all…sign it ‘Steve Martin.’”  You want to talk about balls the size of…well, Godzilla.  Martin always makes it clear to the editor that, “Crazy shit is going down and I stand by my story, so be sure my name is attached at all times.”  I’m guessing the Pulitzer that year was pretty much locked up after the debris was cleared and people could actually find the Pulitzer.

Martin is in Japan for a social visit.  Impeccable timing, since Godzilla will be dropping by shortly for his own social visit.  While at this point the people of Japan don’t know who Godzilla is, everyone knows Steve Martin (and not just because he sings that King Tut song).  Steve is in town to visit his good friends, Dr. Yamane, Emiko, Ogata, and the semi-mysterious Dr. Serizawa.  Of these good friends, none appear to want to share actual screen time with Martin in fact, they regularly face away from the camera only allowing us views of the backs of their heads.  Eye contact and line of site be damned, even when a meaningful conversation is expected.  Again the fanboys will be shouting, “American filmmakers butchered this movie and edited Raymond Burr into it!  That’s why nobody wants to be seen talking to him.”  I get it, but it’s worth mentioning because once you know what to look for during the movie, it does add a new level of both humor and appreciation because for technology in use in 1956, the filmmakers did a decent job with the inserts.

No sooner has Martin pulled out his pipe in the land of the Rising Sun than a bevy of cargo ships burst into flame.  Not only do they catch fire, they sink like a bowling ball, ignoring all scientific theories of buoyancy.  Martin gets wind of the story and heads to Odo Island just as a powerful ocean storm strikes.  To give you an idea of the intensity of this typhoon, it’s strong enough to interrupt Martin as he lies in his tent-bed smoking.  The storm brings rain, wind, and lightning, but there seems to be an added bonus.  Loud thundering pounding footsteps?  Perhaps a roar?  Martin’s coverage of the storm sums it up as, “It was more than rain, wind, and lightning.”  Notice he wasn’t signing his name to this reporting.  Even Steve Martin isn’t confident enough to start speculating in his column about what was lurking within that storm.  Clearly he remembers that old rule from Journalism 101: you need proof.

We’re now about twenty-eight minutes into the movie.  The controlling interest at Toho knew it was time for a reveal, lest the audience think this movie was merely about casual reporting, freak island storms, and boating disasters.  The occupants of Odo Island run from their village up into the mountains, where they are greeted by everyone’s first view of Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  People scream, people run, and Steve Martin knows that he’s stumbled onto the story of a lifetime.  “It’s big and terrible and more frightening than I thought possible.”  Trivia experts will recognize this line as the original one uttered by Roy Scheider in Jaws, until consultants informed him that the line was actually supposed to be, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”  Not sure how Roy made that goof, but it’s a good story.

It’s clear the United World News is sitting on a big scoop.  The movie handles this well, in spite of Godzilla being – a man in a rubber suit (full respect to that “man” because the suit weighed over two hundred pounds), using solid editing to enhance the sense of awe and menace of the surroundings.

Luckily, the Japanese military isn’t really interested in explanations.  They immediately set their fleet into full action and depth charge the hell out of the ocean where Godzilla was last sighted.  The montage footage is taken from a military film reel.  It made me curious whether it was from World War II or simply film of naval exercises but I wasn’t curious enough to research the matter, I mean, I’m watching Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  Turns out, footage was merely naval exercises filmed by the movies director Ishiro Honda

One doctor, however, states that his fear is that Godzilla was spawned from Spandium-90 and the repeated use of H-Bombs.  That’s pretty much the only acknowledgement of this sort of thing in the American version of the movie: however, I’m betting the Japanese version, Gojira is littered with references to the amounts of American-induced atomic radiation that contaminated their country.  Keep in mind, he wasn’t subtitled as “King of the Monsters!” in the Japanese version, so contrary to popular belief American filmmakers did bring some positive elements to the Godzilla franchise.

After this small bombardment the military has clearly won and Godzilla is dead.  So Steve Martin heads back to Tokyo to reconnect with his friends.  There’s eye-patch wearing Dr. Serizawa, the typical scientist who only has eye for his work.  Serizawa has overlooked beautiful Emiko for too long, and she’s drifted toward strong-fellow Ogata.  In a last-ditch effort to win back Emiko’s love, Serizawa tosses a small disc-invention into a fish tank, but instead of sighing in awe and appreciation for his work, she screams in horror.  The effect of this disc is never displayed, however it’s dangerous enough that Serizawa wears gloves while he handles the device.  Except then he doesn’t remove his gloves, not even when Emiko runs into his arms and he protectively holds her.

Now, I have had extensive Blood Borne Pathogen training, and I know for a fact that in a laboratory you need to take those gloves off and dispose of them in a proper fashion.  Otherwise scientists would be tossing devices into fish tanks and then eating a sandwich or taking a piss, and then who knows what’s ending up in their Albacore or on their glans?  Perhaps Emiko left Serizawa after his demonstration of poor laboratory safety methods?

Meanwhile, there’s a lot happening in Tokyo, but nothing that Martin can really lock his reporting chops into.  We mainly see him smoke his pipe and long for a real juicy story that’s going to make this entire trip worthwhile and allow him to write it off as work related on his taxes.

Godzilla solves all of Martin’s problems.

I know you’re saying, “Wait a minute Mike, you said the military killed Godzilla.”  Yeah, well turns out I was wrong.  Because if they had succeeded then Godzilla: King of the Monsters! would only be about forty-eight minutes long.  That would be unacceptable, and definitely not worthy of the exclamation marks we are required to use when referring to the movie.

So, one night Godzilla lumbers out of Tokyo Harbor: he’s decided it’s time to show Japan who’s the new boss.  Godzilla destroys some dock area and a few power lines.  Then, in a colossal mess of poor scheduling, the Japan Rail train happens to drive past, and Godzilla pays homage to King Kong by assuring the destruction of any form of mass transit that passes within his reach.  Godzilla didn’t make the rules, but damned if he doesn’t live by them.

This is a nice scene, and works surprisingly well, thanks to the black-and-white imagery.  The shadows help hide wirework, and Godzilla is pretty scary, being a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a fire breathing dragon.  Although people mock “men in monster costumes,” the scene works because it has realism in movement and destruction that the stop motion effects of King Kong could not deliver.  The Godzilla presented in this movie reaches a level of fright that future versions were unable (or unwilling) to attempt.

Here’s the problem now facing Japan in the movie: they didn’t get the memo that they are dealing with Godzilla: King of the Monsters!  The military is mobilizing again, and this time thrilling music accompanies the procession.  I get excited when I hear that music, but Kaiju tend to become equally infuriated thus guaranteeing destruction levels to match the bass (or as Spinal Tap would say, “Turning it up to ’11.’”)  Once those tanks and jets are all in position, Godzilla rises out of the bay again to teach another harsh lesson to the Land of the Rising Sun.

“A prehistoric monster the Japanese call Godzilla is walking out of Tokyo Bay.  He’s as tall as a thirty-story building!”  That’s Steve Martin handling the play-by-play as some serious shit goes down.  Had Blue Oyster Cult been formed in 1956, this would have been the ideal time for the lyrics “Oh no!  There goes Tokyo!” to be playing in the background.  Much like when Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped off at a Los Angeles police station in The Terminator, Godzilla isn’t fucking around anymore [Note: Spoiler alert: More than “thirty cops” are killed by Godzilla.]  There’s stomping, smashing, and the coup de grace when Godzilla huffs out some acid, followed by his trademark radioactive breath.  Martin’s on the microphone, “Neither man nor his machines can stop this creature!”  Probably not his most descriptive reporting, but I’m sure the editors at the United World News will punch it up with some adjectives to sell more copies.

Godzilla’s not done by damn sight.  As the fire and explosions spread across town, a whole gaggle of Japanese reporters and photographers have massed together on a radio tower to see who can get the best view of this disaster.  Luckily, Godzilla aims to help each of them score primo pictures and first-hand accounts.  In what is arguably the best-ever illustration of how flash photography provokes animals, Godzilla brings down the entire tower!  There’s a neat on-board viewpoint that shows the tipping and eventual plummet of each of these screaming newshounds as they meet their death.  If these eager beavers had followed the lead of veteran Steve Martin they might have avoided Godzilla’s wrath.

But, wait!  Before Martin can reach for his next tobacco fix, Godzilla has turned his insatiable anger on the very building where our American eye-witness is relaying all of these exciting details.  “This is it, George!  Steve Martin signing off from Tokyo, Japan!”  And with those heroic words the ceiling collapses on Martin.

With the American down for the count, Godzilla has time for one final bridge flip, delivered in real “fuck you”-style to the people of Japan.  I think everyone can agree that this was totally unnecessary.

The survivors of this rampage are taken to over-crowded medical facilities where they are first tested with Geiger counters before being given a space on the floor.  Steve Martin passes his radiation test and meets Emiko who (in a painfully awkward exchange at 1:01:00) decides to fill in the details of what, exactly, Dr. Serizawa was up to all those scenes back, when he dropped his device into the fish tank.

The device is called an Oxygen Destroyer, and it is capable of removing all the “O” from H₂0.  It works like the world’s worst Alka-Seltzer.  All of the fish inside that tank were quickly dissolved.  However, I did notice that a large amount of water still remained in the tank.  If all the oxygen had been removed then instead of water this tank should simply be filled with H₂.  Now I’m not a scientist but H₂ is simply a molecule of hydrogen and it really shouldn’t look like water.  But maybe the Mythbusters can tackle this item for us - we’ve still got Godzilla to deal with.

Fish in Dr. Serizawa’s possession have a shorter shelf life than the critters in the tanks at Red Lobster on Good Friday.  With nothing more to prove and his love life in disarray, Dr. Serizawa is talked into using his device on Godzilla.  A boat is readied, Dr. Serizawa, Ogata, and Emiko are front and center to wage an assault on Godzilla.  Steve Martin is along for the ride, observing from the sidelines as our faithful reporter-hero has been trained to do.  Dr. Serizawa dons a heavy diving bell suit and descends into Tokyo Bay looking for Godzilla.  The Oxygen Destroyer is activated as Godzilla awakens from his nap and approaches over some underwater hills.  Dr. Serizawa’s only faithful love is the science of invention, so he cuts his safety line and embraces the Oxygen Destroyer as Godzilla moves in for the kill.  Much like the active ingredient in Scrubbing Bubbles, the bubbles do the scrubbing so the people of Japan don’t have to.

Godzilla’s skin is dissolved…and then his bones melt away, as Steve Martin finalizes his Story of the Century…

“People of the World, Godzilla is dead!”

 

Final Thoughts

 Just that fast, the movie is over!  Apparently in 1956 cleaning out a theater and ushering in the next audience took the place of fussy production-value details like allowing a movie to conclude with any form of dramatic pacing.  This abrupt end becomes a staple of pretty much all Kaiju Eiga.  Once the monster has been vanquished, don’t blink, or you’ll find that the movie has completely wrapped up and the lights have been turned on and you’re being asked to leave.  (This is awkward and unsettling if you happen to be watching the movie at home…)

Godzilla: King of the Monsters! is a better movie than I remembered from my youth.  As a child I was always more enamored with the Godzilla movies that included multiple monsters, or those that incorporated a “vs.” in the title.  For a movie that essentially revolves around a man in a rubber-monster suit, Godzilla has a gravity that you seldom experience in Kaiju Eiga.  Certainly the aftermath of the atomic bombs helps maintain the serious message about man’s tampering with forces beyond his control and the unforeseen calamity that may erupt years later.  It’s a cryptic message that was also touched upon in Them! (See Bonus Review #2 – and, where do they get off stealing that exclamation point?)  When a Kaiju-centered movie handles a gripping message this deftly, it alters the overall experience in a good way.  When a Kaiju movie completely stumbles with the message and beats you over the head with it, you end up with a piece of junk called Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster.

Truly, Godzilla: King of the Monsters! is a solid movie.  The laughter is solely gained from the inclusion of the extra scenes of Raymond Burr’s character (and the original filmmakers had nothing to do with that) and with his overall impotence throughout the proceedings.  I am embarrassed to admit I have never seen the original Gojira.  I should watch it sometime since I do own it, but my love for the Americanized version and the nostalgia it provides tend to override my need to experience the original uncut film.

With my praise of this movie complete, several questions still linger.

What happened to the fishing industry in Japan?  If Serizawa’s Oxygen Destroyer removed all of the oxygen from the water, certainly enough to dissolve both Godzilla and himself, it stands to reason that millions of fish were equally killed.  I would have to imagine the price of sushi went through the roof.

How did Dr. Serizawa get that eye-patch?  For a mild-mannered, fish-killing scientist, Serizawa sports some real tough-guy eye-wear.  Was he formerly with the military?  Or is this a result of his patented bad lab etiquette?  After all, you never see the good doctor put on even one set of safety glasses.

Where will Steve Martin’s globe-trotting reporting take him next?  What adventures await his causal observations from the sideline?  Does he turn into one of those annoying people who simply sit around the newsroom talking about Godzilla?  I imagine that when Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon, Martin was sitting in front of a TV with the other employees at the United World News and telling everyone, “That’s pretty impressive, it reminds me of the time Godzilla destroyed Tokyo and I was there to see it firsthand.”  Inevitably this would be met by eye rolling from his cohort who must endure this story on a weekly basis.

Finally the big question is: Will Godzilla ever return?

I feel comfortable in saying that, thanks to Dr. Serizawa’s brilliance and his personal sacrifice, the people of Japan are now safe and have nothing more to fear from any form of giant monster.

Kaiju Rule 1: Monsters must destroy things for your entertainment.

            Excellent.  Godzilla does a solid amount of destruction!

Kaiju Rule 2: Laughing out loud is mandatory.

            Average.  Although this is the most serious entry for Kaiju Eiga, chuckles can still be found thanks to Steve Martin’s interactions with people who clearly exist in another movie.

Kaiju Rule 3: You must be entertained at all times.

            Excellent.  There’s plenty going on with Godzilla: King of the Monsters! that even Kaiju Eiga newbies or non-fans will be entertained.

 YOUR KAIJU EIGA CHECKLIST:

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS!

How accurate is the title?: Since Godzilla started the entire Kaiju Eiga genre, the title is 100% accurate.  Godzilla is in the movie, and based on the damage he does he makes a strong case for both being called King of the Monsters and for claiming eternal use of all exclamation marks after the title.

Original Japanese Title: Gojira

One Sentence Synopsis: The horrors of atomic radiation spawn Godzilla, who unleashes his own brand of horror on the people of Tokyo before they successfully melt him.

Our Moral Message: The use of nuclear powered weapons may unleash disastrous monsters upon society.

Kaiju entrance: Godzilla appears over a mountainside and roars.  Villagers of Odo Island stop and take many pictures, thus ensuring stereotypes that will persist for decades.

Good Kaiju: None

Bad Kaiju: Godzilla

Kaiju Timeline: First entry into Japanese Kaiju Eiga.

First line of dialogue when people see Kaiju: “Look at the size of those footprints.”

Kaiju firsts: Godzilla meets Tokyo.  Godzilla attacks Tokyo and levels towers, buildings, the mobile military, and pretty much everything in his path.  “There goes Tokyo”…indeed.  Godzilla meets Raymond Burr (a sizable US acting import).

How bad is the situation?: “It’s big and terrible and more frightening than I thought possible.”

Best intended moment of the movie: Godzilla’s Tokyo attack, which levels at least fifty percent of the city and is capped with the “F-U” bridge flip.

Best accidental moment of the movie: Godzilla decides to take precision aim at one lone police car.  The explosion kills several officers one of whom dies with a girlish scream (the Anti-Wilhelm Scream if you will).  Look for it at 53:47.

Single most quotable line of dialogue: “You have your fear, which might become reality, and you have Godzilla which is reality.”

Best action moment: When fifty percent of Tokyo becomes property “Ready to Build.”

Total amount of destruction: Flaming boats sunk, wrecked train, burned tanks, radio towers toppled, electrical towers ripped low, and skyscrapers that drop faster than you can say “Jenga!”

Body count: Off-screen, thousands.  On-screen, people get burned alive and several unwillingly plummet to their deaths or are buried under rubble.  Dr. Serizawa melts.  Godzilla melts.

Last line of dialogue: “The menace was gone, so was a great man, but the whole world could wake up and live again.”

Kaiju exit: Godzilla’s nap is ruined by the Oxygen Destroyer, which melts his skin and then dissolves his bones.  Tough to bounce back from this one.

Guardians of the Galaxy - "What a bunch of A-holes"!



Love the line-up...especially how Rocket Raccoon ends up front and center!

 
Ok, I have been burned by so many previews in my lifetime I can't even begin to list them.  Three that stick out immediately are Robocop 2, Superman Returns, and Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.  These were the kinds of previews that held so much promise, looked exciting, and delivered exactly what I wanted in a 2-minute reel.  Unfortunately then the movies came out and not only did I hate them all, but as I sat in a dark theatre I found my brain thinking, "How did that great preview turn into this horrible movie?"  Robocop 2...bad story, bad acting, and not faithful to the characters of the original.  But man was that a great preview.  Superman Returns...BORING!  The most boring superhero movie ever...the only good scene was the plane rescue - AND THAT'S WHAT THE PREVIEW SHOWED!  Star Wars: Attack of the Clones...worst love story and acting ever!  Parts of that movie felt like they were written by a child's view of what romance was.  I have read better fan fiction...of course none of those moments were included in the movie's preview (a wise decision).


Marvel's GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!

So here we are.  Guardians of the Galaxy.  This is going to be the make-or-break movie for Marvel.  If this thing takes off at the box office then no characters are off limits for the big screen.  I'll be expecting my Moon Knight big screen movie shortly.  However, if Guardians tanks...then Moon Knight may end up on Netflix as a series or (shudder) as a guest star on the horrible Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show (which I pray nightly will be cancelled).


People in America that don't read comics have no clue who the Guardians of the Galaxy are.  Trust me, nobody who isn't a comic book fan can name any of them.  So the first preview is a real introduction on many levels and wisely that is exactly how the studio treats it - as an introduction.  In two minutes we see all the members of the Guardians, get a brief bio of each member with their rap sheet, and then have a fast montage of each character doing some action stuff.  The preview is zippy, it works, and the inclusion of the Blue Suede Hooked on a Feeling classic was a perfect decision.



Great image from the teaser poster!

I am not a huge Guardians of the Galaxy fan.  I have read all of their incarnations in comics and have never really felt compelled to stay with them.  There's nothing bad about them, but I can't muster an affinity towards them as I do to other superhero characters.  That said, this preview clicked with me on many levels...and had me returning for repeat viewings.  I love Chris Pratt's work on Parks and Recreation and I can immediately see that he is going to be funny and comfortable leading a big screen effort.  John C. Reilly as a member of the Nova Corps...come on, what's not to love!  There is a nice tongue-in-cheek feeling of FUN that maybe the Marvel movies need.  The little ode to Raiders of the Lost Ark in the opening seconds of the preview is all you need to see grasp the vibe of this movie.

If you have not seen the preview check it out immediately...or wait to see it on the big screen on 4/4/14 with Captain America: The Winter Soldier.  The early signs for both movies are so impressive that it takes me back to 1990 all over again...umm...oh yeah that was the year of Robocop 2.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTZ2Tp9yXyM 

 

 

And I'm sure some of you are humming that great cover of BJ Thomas' Hooked on a Feeling from 1970's group Blue Swede, so here's the whole version...get your Ooga Chaka on!

 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo-qweh7nbQ

KAIJU EIGA - WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS

This past summer I feverishly immersed myself into the world of Kaiju Eiga spending hundreds of hours watching, rewatching, and writing reviews & reflections for 23 of my childhood favorite giant monster movies.  That work, THERE GOES TOKYO! is currently available exclusively through Amazon (note the link on the side of this very page).

            The book was finished in August but then three months of editing, covers, formatting, and all the behind the scenes nonsense that most people never think of thoroughly drained me of the desire to watch a pagoda be destroyed.  Even my Ultra-Man and Jonny Sokko DVDs sat unwatched during this downtime.

            But as we move into 2014 I can feel the Kaiju Eiga pull (or maybe it’s just me needing to reconnect with Russ Tamblyn and give him one more chance to prove he’s an actor who can generate even a minute level of emotion) but WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS is beckoning me for another viewing.  2013 was a great year for this movie in my household as I watched it at least five times and one of those was with the pleasure of introducing some friends to this Toho gem during our weekly Netflix night.

            This movie stands out as a solid entry and a personal Top 3 (and at times a #1).  So I’ve decided to include for this week’s entry my chapter covering WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS from my book.  It’s spoilerific so if you’ve never seen the monumental battles between Frankenstein’s children Sanda and Gaira, consider yourself warned.

 

WAR

OF THE

GARGANTUAS

 “These monsters are brothers.  It is our job to kill them.”

 

Our Combatants:

            SANDA – Monster of the Mountain a.k.a. “Brown Gargantua”

            GAIRA – Monster of the Sea a.k.a. “Green Gargantua”
 

War of the Gargantuas serves as a quasi-sequel to Frankenstein Conquers the World.  It’s easy to miss the connection for several reasons.  First, because this movie is superior to the movie it follows.  Second, because the monsters and model work are top-notch.  Third, because when we’re not looking at the Kaiju action we are given another Showa Era glimpse of beautiful actress Kumi Mizuno (previously worshipped as Ms. Namikawa).  So throughout the review I’ll do my best to single out the moments that help connect these two movies of the Kaiju Frankenstein franchise (which lasted for only these two movies).  But, fair warning: there is a lot to love in War of the Gargantuas, so if you have never seen this movie then make it a priority to watch it ASAP.

            The 1966 classic gets off to an awesome pre-credits start with a ship being tossed around at sea during a violent thunderstorm.  The sailor in charge is fighting the controls as a quiet tentacle pushes open the door and slithers into the wheelhouse.  The tentacle wraps up the hapless sailor and drags him toward the porthole.  The man gets free and stumbles on deck to see a horrible battle taking place in the ocean between a Kaiju-size octopus and a giant, green, scaly ape-man.  This green monster will now be referred to by his formal name of Gaira, even though the movie will settle on “Green Gargantua.”  Gaira defeats the octopus, and the sailor breathes a short sigh of relief.  The reason it is so short is because Gaira immediately turns on the ship and sinks it.  Turns out that the two monsters were battling over the ship’s crew, like two ravenous diners having a scrum over the last scoop of cheesy potatoes.

Gaira - Gargantua of the Sea

            The next day, the Kyoto police have been investigating the ship’s disappearance.  Only one sailor washes ashore and he has been incessantly babbling, “The boat was sunk by a monster.”  Being that this is Japan, the word “monster” isn’t tossed around without someone at least giving it a modicum of respect.  The chief of police contacts the easiest-going man in Japan, Dr. Paul Stewart, who is a well-known American expert on monsters.  Five years ago, Dr. Stewart and his beautiful assistant Akemi helped raise and train a young gargantua until it escaped.  These sessions revolved around Akemi teaching the gargantua manners while also serving him glasses of milk and salads (no cookies this time).  Dr. Stewart’s role in the study appears to involve him standing in the background and nodding his head with approval as things progressed positively.  Apparently the fact that Dr. Stewart failed to contain this monster has not hurt his standing with the police or his credibility with the medical world, even though Chapter 1 of the classic book How to Catch and Raise Monsters clearly states, “Don’t let them escape.”

            As the resident expert, Dr. Stewart arrives at the Yokosuka Hospital to have a look at the sailor.  The injured man only manages to say, “A giant…” before passing out (so we’ll wait for him to come around).  While the police chief has Dr. Stewart handy, he asks him questions regarding two concerns.  First, Dr. Stewart explains that years ago he was on the team of scientists that were able to study Frankenstein’s severed hand.  You’ll of course remember that Frankenstein pulled his hand off to escape his hospital-jail-cell and the hand remained alive for a period of time.  Second, the police chief comments on pictures of gigantic footprints taken in the Japanese Alps, and of various alpine students who have claimed to have seen a huge monster.  Dr. Stewart dismisses these comments with a chuckle and the classic line, “They were probably on a bad LSD trip.”

           

Our "hero", "actor" Russ Tamblyn

As the sailor remains in a coma, it’s probably a good time to discuss Dr. Paul Stewart (played by American Russ Tamblyn, best known for his performance in West Side Story).  I love many things about War of the Gargantuas, but this actor and his character are not among them.  Tamblyn does one of the all time classic phone-in deliveries in cinema history.  You can see he meanders through each scene with the sort of malaise one would use when shopping for a better butter alternative.  He’s never frightened, energetic, or happy.  He’s just there with an attitude of, “Hey, I am an American actor.  You know I was in West Side Story, right?  So my presence alone is elevating your little monster movie into a higher status.”  This attitude is doubly shocking when his character spends a majority of the movie dealing with two Kaiju and a beautiful assistant named Akemi (but she’ll always be Ms. Namikawa to me).  Nothing can get Dr. Paul Stewart’s adrenaline pumping.

As for Tamblyn’s screen persona, Dr. Paul Stewart?  He’s even more useless than the actor portraying him.  Dr. Stewart does nothing of relevance in the entire movie.  On top of all this, he has just explained that he worked on the severed hand of a monster, and seconds later dismisses the reports that people have seen a giant monster.  In many ways he fits Columbia University’s Dean Yager’s classic assessment of poor scientists, “Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe.  Your methods are sloppy and your conclusions are highly questionable.  You are a poor scientist.” 

          

  Our movie can continue, now, as the wounded sailor has finally snapped awake.  During his period of unconsciousness, divers explored his wrecked ship and found no other bodies.  Bloody clothes of various sailors, though, have washed ashore.  The sailor recounts his ordeal that night as the boat sank and all of the crew swam for their lives.  The one problem (and it’s a big problem) is that Gaira was swimming right behind them, scooping them out of the water – and eating them.  This is a pretty frightening scene and you feel for the pitiful sailors who clearly will never swim fast enough to escape this cannibalistic giant.  Dr. Stewart comments that these actions do not coincide with the “gentle and harmless” milk-and-salad loving gargantua that he once raised.

            The local fishing community is about to have their own personal encounter with Gaira.  In what is one of the coolest and creepiest camera shots in Kaiju Eiga history, two fishermen lean over the side of their boat and see the rising face of Gaira coming straight for them (look for it at 13:00).  I guarantee that Stephen Spielberg remembered this shot when he filmed Jaws.  Needless to say, the fishermen go overboard and are eaten.  On shore, the entire village is pulling in the ropes of the community fishing nets when they manage to snag Gaira.  The Green Gargantua rises up out of the water, scaring the sake out of everyone.  Newspapers run the headline: Disaster Strikes at Fishermen in Tokyo Bay!  This is enough to bring Dr. Stewart, Akemi, and Dr. Yuzo down from their Toto University laboratory for a little field research.  Dr. Yuzo finds claw marks in the emptied fishing boat’s hull, but, thankfully, Amity Island fisherman, Ben Gardner’s head did not roll out.  Akemi also finds some hair and skin samples at the scene.

            Over at Tokyo Airport, Pan American Flight 301 is circling the runway when Gaira rises out of the ocean and heads for the terminal.  The plane wisely veers off for a new destination, as crowds of people run and scream in panic.  Gaira is an impressive sight, standing hundreds of feet tall, with a mixture of green fur and scales, and a mouth filled with misshapen teeth.  One person who gets a better view of this mouth is an unfortunate secretary, who is lifted out of a building by Gaira.  She is chomped, swallowed, and her only remains are the bloody tatters of her dress.  Before Gaira can continue his dining, the sun shines through some heavy clouds, and the light causes the gargantua to react in pain.  He turns and sprints for the ocean and the safety of the dark water.

            The press is demanding answers, so Dr. Yuzo handles things by delivering unconfirmed “facts” in the manner of his boss, Dr. Stewart, “The monster is accustomed to the darkness of the sea.  I think we should keep the city brightly lit.”  While Dr. Yuzo works the media, Dr. Stewart and Akemi have traveled to the mountains by train to study the site where the gargantua was supposedly spotted.  Dr. Stewart does see the monstrous footprints leading high into the mountains.  He is not only convinced that his former gargantua remains docile, but that there are, in fact, two different gargantuas.  As the possible offspring of Frankenstein, it would be a scientific breakthrough to have another possibility to study the cells of a Kaiju.

            At this point the pace of War of the Gargantuas is moving along like a rocket, so it’s time to slow things down with a little spirited musical number (and not with Russ Tamblyn).  Now, in the annals of bad movie songs, Kipp Hamilton’s blonde-haired rooftop lounge singer has to at least land in the Top 3.  Her number “The Words” is brutal, embarrassingly off-key, and contains the atrocious, and yet frighteningly memorable refrain:

 

Please Gaira, make it happen...just once.

But the words get stuck in my throat

But the words get stuck in my throat

But the words get stuck in my throat

But the words get stuck in my throat

Get the point?  Now, I have watched War of the Gargantuas countless times with different people accompanying me.  Each time I look to my friends to gauge their response upon first witnessing the train wreck that is this musical interlude.  As the song begins there is laughter and eye rolling.  As the song continues, and the music and lack of tone start to settle in, a general annoyance takes place, with comments of, “This is so bad.”  Finally, after listening to the refrain “stuck in my throat” too many times everyone always seems to arrive at the same conclusion, “Gaira is going to eat her isn’t he?”  As Willy Wonka famously said, “The tension is unbearable…I hope it will last…”

Nothing would make me happier than to report, “Yes! Gaira eats Kipp Hamilton!”  But that’s not what happens.  The song ends, Gaira shows up, people scream, Gaira picks up Kipp Hamilton, he raises her to his mouth, teasing the viewers, and then a series of bright stage lights blind him and he drops her back to the rooftop before running away.  Nobody likes how this scene ends.  Not a single person.  I compare this to a Friday the 13^th movie if every time Jason was about to murder an innocent camper he stopped and said, “Sorry.  You’re not the person I was looking for.  On your way.”  Gaira and the makers of War of the Gargantuas set up a scene that could have lived in infamy as delivering exactly what millions of people wanted to see.  Alas, it was not to be.  Next to Dr. Stewart, I blame this impotent scene as the key reason that War of the Gargantuas was overlooked on AFI’s Top 100 Movies of All Time list.

            Gaira runs away from the high rise as warning sirens pierce the city’s nightlife.  Dr. Stewart is already comfortably asleep, not to be confused with his sleepy performance, so he grumpily wakes up and turns on his radio to hear what all the commotion portends.  As he listens to the replay of events, he also has time to sip some water and put on a robe before following the directives to turn on all of the lights in his high-rise apartment. It’s a small, but amusing scene because you can picture actor Russ Tamblyn saying to the director, “Well there’s nothing for me to do in this scene except listen to the radio.  What is my character’s motivation?  Wait!  How about if I drink some water and then put on my robe!”

            The action now moves to the Northwest, as Gaira leaves the city for the villages along the mountains.  The Japanese military is in hot pursuit; this is literally the fastest you will ever see a tank roll down the road.  Along the way, people in nearby towns light fires to keep Gaira from ransacking their village.  Military vehicles shoot at Gaira and use searchlights to guide him down a predetermined path, where some of their new special-capacity laser weapons are waiting for the monster.  This sequence of the movie lasts a minimum of ten minutes.  The scenes with Gaira running and delivering minor damage to the military have little music.  The scenes with the military caravan have a full musical accompaniment.  Thus, while watching this segment of the movie, you hear…silence…sound effect…music…silence…sound effect…music.  The routine becomes quite hypnotic.

           

Sanda - Gargantua of the Mountains

Helicopters now swoop in and engage Gaira.  They make several passes, shooting and staying just out of his reach.  The gargantua is too clever, though, and crouches low and springs up as one helicopter passes.  He repeats this maneuver with the second chopper, and it ends up as burning wreckage.  The third copter begins to slowly back away as Gaira moves in for the kill.  This, of course, is all a clever trap, as the military’s laser cannon trucks have now arrived.  Laser beams begin to criss-cross the countryside, cutting slices through Gaira’s arm, shoulder, and face.  The green gargantua is quickly a bloody mess, and it is clear that for once the Japanese military is winning a Kaiju encounter.

            Gaira flees, ducking low behind trees for cover, and jumps into a river.  The military were ready for this, though, and the water has been heavily electrified.  Gaira is down for the count, wounded, and nearing death.  Of course, if the movie ended here then there would be no “War,” so at the 49:00 mark our second gargantua, Sanda, arrives on the scene.  The military acknowledge his presence, “Look a bigger one!  A brown one!”  Sanda, a furry bigfoot-like gargantua, sees his wounded relative and picks him up, escaping into the forest.

            Dr. Stewart gets the news the next day from the radio, “The huge brown gargantua appeared from the Northwest and aided the green gargantua in escaping.”  The good doctor doesn’t miss a beat when delivering some of his patented “facts” about the situation. “Well, this is proof that there are two of them.  Now, if I can just convince the Defense Department that one of them is innocent.”

If you find yourself thinking, “Hey, this plot is seems vaguely like Frankenstein Conquers the World with two monsters and only one of them guilty,” you would be correct.  My feeling is that the first Kaiju Frankenstein effort was close enough that the filmmakers simply recycled the plot and made some improvements…but they are great improvements, except for Russ Tamblyn.  Seriously, did Nick Adams have something better going on in his career at this time?

The three doctors leave their laboratory and head into the mountains, where all of the recent Kaiju problems took place.  They soon discover hair and tissue samples of both a brown and green color.  It is time for science to provide the film with some answers.  Needing only minutes to look over the evidence, Dr. Stewart concludes that the cells are similar to those of Frankenstein, and that these cells have a nasty ability to remain healthy and multiply.  He’s not sure if both monsters grew separately from Frankenstein’s cells, as genetic brothers, or if Sanda’s cells were washed from a mountain stream into the ocean where Gaira grew, thus making them parent and son.  Dr. Stewart does feel comfortable in stating that he hopes the gargantuas don’t feud “brother against brother, like some nations I know.”

            Off in the forest, Sanda has carried Gaira to a safe area near a river.  He splashes water on the green gargantua’s wounds, and slowly the monster begins to recover.  Surrounding them in this idyllic forest are a number of uninformed persons out enjoying nature; a couple is on a romantic rowboat trip around the lake, a speedboat filled with people zips around, there are happy hikers marching and singing, and there’s even Dr. Stewart and Akemi holding hands and having a semi-romantic walk through the misty mountains.  This is perfect set up (much like the crowded beach scene in Jaws) where we have a carnivorous Kaiju close to so many unsuspecting victims.  Honestly, now I’m thinking Spielberg lifted more from this movie than I originally suspected.  Gaira eventually shows up, and people panic and scream in every direction!

            As the pack of hikers races past, Akemi stumbles and plummets quite a distance down a ravine (of course she does!) before grabbing onto a thin tree branch.  Dr. Stewart calmly informs her that he will proceed down to rescue her in an orderly fashion; clearly it takes much more than the near-death of his assistant/romantic counterpart to get his adrenaline pumping.  Further down the ravine Sanda has seen Akemi’s peril, and he leaps to her rescue.  Unfortunately, his mass creates a small landslide and a boulder smashes down on his leg, severely injuring him.  At this point Akemi loses her grip and falls, but Sanda makes a Hail Mary play and catches her at the last second, then spikes her for the touchdown!  Just kidding, Sanda is a good gargantua, remember?  He likes milk and salad for goodness sake!  Sanda lifts Akemi back up to Dr. Stewart.  Akemi looks at her brown savior, “Oh gargantua!”  Sanda limps away.  But, before we leave the forest, there is one final shot of an empty rowboat drifting in the lake.  Guess we know who didn’t have a happy ending to their romantic lake date.  It is touches like this that help make War of the Gargantuas a stand-out amongst the Kaiju Eiga.  There is peril, immediate and brutal, and usually ending with a nasty bit of digestion.

            Sanda returns to the mountains, where Gaira is resting and recuperating.  At first Sanda is happy to have a friend, but then he notices a pile of tattered bloody clothes laying next to Gaira.  Eating people?  This will not do!  Since Sanda does not have any milk and salad to offer Gaira, he chooses instead to rip up a tree and begin to pummel his new companion.  Much like an overly-aggressive vegetarian at Omaha Steaks, Sanda takes the tactic policy, “I will beat the meat out of you!”

The "warring" has begun!

At 1:03:00 of our movie, the “warring” has officially commenced.  Gaira doesn’t care for Sanda’s hospitality, and begins punching and kicking his former nursemaid.  Sanda also delivers his own offensive flurry, but his injured leg reduces his mobility.  Gaira soon realizes this, and sprints away.  It’s a serious sprint, too, as he runs down the mountain, over the river, through the woods, past grandfather’s house, over military vehicles, through a town, and through another town, before cannon-balling into the ocean and swimming below the waters.  This is another stellar scene that uses great model sets to showcase the size and speed of the green gargantua to stunning effect.  Again, I have to ask, was there some monumental movie made at the same time that took all of the cinematic accolades and awards away from War of the Gargantuas?

            Back at the Defense Department, Dr. Stewart is arguing with the General about the best course of action.  The General’s position is, “I plan to kill them tomorrow.  I will electrify the water and napalm the land!”  On Dr. Stewart’s side we have, “It’s not just a theory that the brown gargantua is harmless to humans!  It’s a fact!”  This lively debate continues for some time, until both sides part with their own agenda.  The military prepare their arsenal, and the doctors prepare a plan to save Sanda.

            Warning sirens blare in Tokyo, as Gaira has made landfall in search of food.  Like most smart monsters, he has now come to associate light with food, so the citizens are warned to turn off all lights and remain inside.  Imagine if you were the one citizen who didn’t get that memo, and were still burning up all your electricity in the errant belief that you were protecting your home and family.  Ouch!  Cars are abandoned in the streets and buildings look like ghost towns (or like models about to be destroyed).

The General uses Gaira’s stalking through the city to take a potshot at Dr. Stewart, “See!  You still want to wet-nurse that monster!”  Dr. Stewart doesn’t have time to explain the differences between Sanda and Gaira are more than just color, because word has come down that Sanda has also been seen hobbling toward Tokyo.  Akemi races out into the streets to steer the brown gargantua away.  Sadly, Dr. Stewart and Akemi are much closer to Gaira.  He spots them and chases after them as they enter a subway tunnel.  Gaira reaches inside and grabs hold of Akemi.  She screams and faints as the green gargantua prepares to devour her.

           

At 1:16:00 we’re now ready for more “warring,” and Sanda arrives on the scene.  Gaira spots his enemy and drops Akemi back into the subway tunnel, where Dr. Stewart carries the silly, good-hearted female away for medical care.  Gaira is ready to battle it out to the finish, but Sanda keeps shaking his head in a passive manner: “Let’s not fight.  Please.”  Gaira is done with pleasantries, and tosses Sanda into several buildings.  A number of punches and kicks follow, and Sanda is forced to defend himself.

            Now the classic Toho Kaiju march music kicks into gear, so we know that this war is going to be pretty brutal.  The two gargantuas have been given a large portion of the city to battle in, and they do it justice – by leveling pretty much everything in sight.  This is impressive as hell to watch, since so many of the more recent Kaiju movies took place in the countryside, where all we could watch were hills and dirt.  With full-scale city structures to be destroyed, monsters are tossed through and into skyscrapers with sheer delight.  Their fists do the talking, and both are quickly showing the blood from the intense melee.

            The General doesn’t have time to waste waiting for each gargantua to kill the other one, so the military move in.  Cannons fire rockets and devices blast beams of electricity that rips and scorches the two Kaiju.  Gaira dives into the ocean to recharge, but Sanda follows him.  The two play toss with a massive ship, then Gaira swims away from the military into deeper waters.  Sanda catches him, and the two keep fighting as a fleet of helicopters soars into the fray.  The copters drop bombs onto both gargantuas, and the ensuing explosions create a tremor that activates a nearby ocean volcano.  This is worth repeating: in a movie already as awesome as this one has been, now we also have a fully erupting volcano!  I’m not sure how this volcano got so close to Tokyo, but there’s no time to wonder, since rocks and smoke and lava are shooting out of the vent like crazy!  Sanda and Gaira lock up, but neither is quite stronger than the other, and they roll directly into the furious eruption zone.  The volcanic gas and smoke cover the area and the twin gargantuas are gone!

            Over at the medical tent, Dr. Yuzo runs in with the news that both gargantuas have been destroyed by the erupting ocean volcano.  He is confident that the lava will destroy all of their cells, and thus end the threat of any future spawn of Frankenstein.  Akemi is sad, but Dr. Stewart explains that Sanda died protecting her, “That big brown teddy bear came to your rescue.”  And, as is often the case with wars, there is never a clear winner.

Final Thoughts

In case you were unable to tell from my energetic review, I love War of the Gargantuas.  The movie was like a Kaiju version of the Holy Grail when I was growing up.  Before my family owned a VCR I would often see the movie listed in our weekly TV Guide, but would be unable to watch it.  Some other, lesser event always got in the way of me enjoying this festival of Kaiju combat: visits to grandparents’ homes, weddings, funerals, reunions, birthday parties…, the sort of life-nonsense that prevents anyone from experiencing a treasured Kaiju movie.  Whenever the local television channels aired weekly Kaiju marathons, they tended to stick to the Godzilla series, and relegated War of the Gargantuas to a late night time slot.  Usually it was the final movie to air before the National Anthem played and the channel reverted to static for several hours, for you old people who can remember when that happened.  Worse, I would often catch glimpses of the movie on commercials hyping any future airing (that I would invariably miss).  The discovery of new Kaiju was an experience that I treasured, and it took a long time for me to fully witness the greatness that is this movie.  In one of life’s rare gifts, the movie exceeded my expectations.

            Now, thirty years later, I still enjoy watching this movie.  It follows the Three Rules of Kaiju Eiga perfectly.  There’s plenty to laugh about (thank you Russ Tamblyn and your lazy performance), the finale’s cityscapes are some of the best in any Toho movie, and it’s not merely enjoyable, but an honor to watch Sanda and Gaira destroy everything in their path.

I remember watching TV and seeing Brad Pitt presenting at the Academy Awards.  He stated that seeing War of the Gargantuas as a child was why he entered showbiz.  This was a proud moment for me, because at that instant I realized that Brad Pitt and I have one thing in common: we both love great cinema!

 Kaiju Rule 1: Monsters must destroy things for your entertainment.

            Excellent.  The effects by Eiji Tsuburaya may be the best of any movie in the Showa Era.  The cityscape and airport model work are pure spectacle and become a whole lot of fun once the destruction takes place.  So much stuff gets destroyed in this movie!  You’ll love it!

Kaiju Rule 2: Laughing out loud is mandatory.

            Excellent.  Plenty of laughs to be had and the musical number alone is one of those unique points in Kaiju Eiga that must be experienced to be believed.

Kaiju Rule 3: You must be entertained at all times.

            Excellent.  There is nothing bad about War of the Gargantuas!  A superior entry into Kaiju Eiga.

 

YOUR KAIJU CHECKLIST:

WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS

How accurate is the title?:  Somewhat accurate.  There are two gargantuas and they do have a decent battle.  However, no form of conventional weapons or lines of demarcation are used, so using the term “War” in the title seems to make this sound more dramatic than necessary.  Brawl of the Gargantuas works well.

Original Japanese Title: Frankenstein’s Monsters: Sanda versus Gaira

One Sentence Synopsis: Brothers Sanda and Gaira differ on their food requirements and have a battle that proves devastating for themselves and the people of Tokyo.

Our Moral Message: He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother…but since he keeps eating people I must now kill him.

Kaiju entrance: Gaira shows up in the ocean defeating a giant octopus.  Sanda runs through the forest to save Gaira from the military.

Good Kaiju: Sanda “Brown Gargantua of the Mountains”

Bad Kaiju: Gaira “Green Gargantua of the Sea”

Kaiju Timeline: Has several small throw-away lines that connect it to Frankenstein Conquers the World.

First line of dialogue when people see Kaiju: When Gaira is spotted there are merely screams.  When Sanda is seen, “Hey look!  Another one!”

Kaiju firsts: First appearances of Frankenstein’s spawn Sanda and Gaira

How bad is the situation?: “If their cells multiply…they could destroy the world.”

Best intentional moment of the movie: Any time someone gets eaten…awesome!  You just don’t experience that direct cannibalistic nature in Kaiju movies often enough.  The fact that Gaira eats people and then spits out their bloody clothes makes him a unique and frightening monster.

Best accidental moment of the movie: I’m still not exactly sure of the point of Kipp Hamilton’s big singing number.  The singing is horrible, the song lyrics are atrocious and, after all of this, Kipp isn’t even eaten.  Trust me, the audience members are all praying that Gaira shows up and eats her before the song is complete…and then she survives!  Big miss by the creative team, especially when you consider that, until this song, we watched baby Sanda drinking milk while relaxing on a couch and were left thinking, “What could possibly top this moment?”

Single most quotable line of dialogue: “You still want to wet nurse that monster?”

Best action moment: The “War” of the gargantuas during the last fifteen minutes is a great Kaiju battle.  The models of downtown Tokyo are superb.

Total amount of destruction: Lots of destroyed skyscrapers.  Two sunken ships.  Plenty of military vehicles!

Body count: Several people are eaten including, sailors, a secretary, and a couple on a romantic boat ride through the lake.

Last line of dialogue: “No living thing could survive that volcano.”

Kaiju exit: Sanda and Gaira disappear inside the smoke cloud of an erupting underwater volcano.