"Where ya been, Man?!?!"

How has it been six months since my last blog entry?  Wow, as Dr. Ian Malcolm was found of saying, "Life finds a way."  In this case life finds a way of getting in the way and preventing me from updating my blog.  Needless to say, I am still around doing what I do (e.g. working, podcasting, writing, and playing Donkey Kong).

Let's address something that came up in a conversation I had with some friend.  I am not an author.  I am not even sure I would call myself a writer.  Even though I have written several screenplays, two collections, of short stories, and one collection of movie reviews, writing is not even close to a career path for me.  It's a hobby that I enjoy.  So as an independent person who writes, some months I make enough money to go out to a dinner at Red Lobster...and some months I go to a dinner at Subway.  Not exactly a rags to riches story, but there's enough money that the IRS is always happy to come checking for their portion.  Note to newbie writers, authors, and people who write: Royalty payments never have taxes taken out in advance, so be ready at tax time to pay the fiddler.

I have been actively writing.  My second volume of There Goes Tokyo! reviews will be completed by the end of summer (then it's editing and formatting time) and if all goes well should be available for purchase by the conclusion of 2015.  This collection covers the Heisei Series, Millennium Series, and more.  There's over thirty reviews total and I made sure that this summer's Jurassic World made it into the book.  Nothing like sitting in a dark theatre frantically taking notes while eating a pretzel and attempting to enjoy an Icee.   I know at one point a man in the row behind me looked over my shoulder with a, "What the hell is this guy taking notes for?  Is there going to be a test?"-expression on his face.

Aside from TGT2, I have also been working on my first novella.  This one will clock in around 150-pages and, trust me, it's a bloody affair.  It'll be under my Late Night Horrors collection and should be available also before the end of calendar year 2015.  I can't share much about it other than the title - A TALE OF TWO MONSTERS.  I know there's a full-length novel in me, but I'm baby-stepping my way toward it.  Writing this novella as certainly taught me plenty since the concept was originally going to be a short story but as ballooned into a much larger work that I think is a real grabber for fan's who like scares, violence, vampires, and...did I mention blood?

Lastly before I end this entry and return to my writing I want to address something.  Wiser writers than me have often said it is a fool's errand to engage with critics.  Sadly, I guess I don't listen.  When people take the time to buy my work on various sites and post reviews, I like to respond and thank them for their time.  If the review isn't positive, I do my best to explain my point as well.  But, wow, there are some angry people out there.  I'm not sure if this is because an exchange of money has taken place or not but I find it interesting that when someone does not like something I wrote their review inevitably either offers me strong advice on what I should have done ("Go be a blogger ya bum!") or has such a powerful opinion that cannot in any sense me wrong, "I hate this book.  If you read it and like it you are wrong.  Nothing positive will ever come from purchasing and reading this book.").   My all time favorite was one from a year ago where the reviewer claimed my book (There Goes Tokyo!) was horribly edited with hundreds of factual and grammatical errors.  When I tried making some responses inquiring this reviewer to give me one example he responded with, "Well, I'm really busy but I'll be in touch."  A year later and I'm still waiting for that ONE EXAMPLE.  So I get suckered into a debate, have a negative review posted about my work, and naturally none of what the review wrote was true.  But, because I didn't follow that timeless advice of, "Don't engage with critics" I'm the one who ends up wasting his time trying to defend my work while some angry man with a keyboard simply wants to knock it down because apparently it threatens some part of their happy existence.  Weird.

But I guess there's caveat emptor and there's the law of being a critic which is if you pay your money you can say whatever you want whenever you want critiquing someone else's work whether it is the truth or not.  Seriously, the ire in some reviewers has caught me off guard, sometimes I think it may be jealousy that other people have accomplished a task like writing one (or several) books, and seen them through to completion where the buying public can read and enjoy them, which sets some people into a sour mood so strongly that instead of politely making a point they lie, name call, or just do what they can to sling mud over another person's efforts.

That said, years ago I read Susanna Clarke's book Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell.  The book received high praise from people and I was excited to delve into the world of English Magic.  Needless to say, I did not like the book.  I wrote a review and explained my position.  I never said her writing was bad, that the effort was better served as being published on a blog for free, or that anyone who liked the book was an idiot.  Simply put, I did not like the book.

In retrospect I may have been wrong.  This summer BBC America has been airing the seven-part mini-series on Clarke's novel and it's a hoot.  I am enjoying the story, the pacing, and the world that is being presented on my television.  I'm liking it so much that I may have to go back and revisit the novel since perhaps my review was too critical.  Nevertheless, I showed class in explaining my opinion and what worked and what didn't work and made sure I didn't explain to Ms. Clarke that her work was a waste of time for the planet and we'd all be better off for it.  That said, I'm no Susanna Clarke and I'm sure she's smart enough to have learned the lesson about never engaging critics.  I'm a fan of Kevin Smith and in his book Tough Sh!t he made a point of explaining that if you have creative energy get out there and share it with the world and let those sour naysayers be damned.  And that's why I'm still writing, because I have tales that need to be told.

But...there's always time for BBQ!

"Show Me Your TUSKS!"

I'm a pretty big fan of Kevin Smith.  His podcast network supplies plenty of laughs and some of his movies are staples in my household (Clerks, Mallrats, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back).  Sure, occasionally the man stumbles (Cop-Out, Dogma, acting in Die Hard 4) but even Roy Hobbs couldn't hit a home run every single time he stepped up to the plate.

About a year ago Smith and his pal Scott Mosier recorded an episode of SModcast (Smith & Mosier, thus the double capital letters) where they recounted a bizarre personal ad found in a London where an old man was looking for a lodger to live with him in his spacious house, rent free.  The one caveat was that the lodger would be required to wear a home-made walrus suit for two hours a day for the man's pleasure.  YES, A WALRUS COSTUME!  The episode in question is titled SModcast #259 - THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER and it is laugh-out-loud hilarious.  I have listened to this episode so often that it's pretty much ingrained in my memory word-for-word. 

The minute I saw these drawings...I was sold!

As the pair delve into the ad they eventually wonder about the psyche's of the old man and any potential lodger.  How does one reach a point in their life where making a walrus costume seems like a good idea?  How does one reach a point in their life where wearing a walrus costume seems like a good idea?  This helps them branch off into a "What would this look like as a movie?"-scenario.  Now, the movie has been made and released so listening to the podcast is doubly fascinating because you can really hear the creative energies flowing between the two filmmakers as they spout out ideas, most comic gold, about how every aspect of the movie should play out.  Kevin Smith is clearly a fan of 70s-era horror movies because he understands the pacing and "flavor" that the dirty grindhouse low-budget horror movies delivered in that decade.  He earns huge respect points for knowing that most of these movies ended with a song during the credits that usually tried to feel uplifting even though the movie itself was anything but.  Horror movies in the 1970s ended grim!  There was no happiness to be found.  It's more rare to see such dark endings even today but occasionally a Pet Semetary, Se7en, Blair Witch Project or The Mist (trust me, the dark ending is what limited any form of box office success) sneaks through.  Too often though Hollywood bean-counters insist that even a horror movie must end with the sun shining and the survivors happy, thus allowing audiences to leave the theatre in a good mood.  Truly odd when you consider what they may have just spent two hours in the dark watching?

The late 1960s and 1970s delivered some great horror movies that pummeled viewers throughout the course of their run time and then slapped them silly with an even more downtrodden ending that guaranteed no happiness for the characters of the film.  Some rapid fire examples; The Wicker Man, Night of the Living Dead, Race with the Devil, Ssssssssss, Don't Look Now, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and there's plenty more...the 70s was the decade that just kept on delivering downers post-Vietnam.

No Spoiler Images!
But TRUST ME...Long gets turned into a walrus!

So, Kevin Smith got all creative with his walrus-discussion and made himself a low-budget horror movie that delivers all of the ideas and "horror" that one would expect in a film where the general plot is MAN TURNED INTO WALRUS.  To assist him on his journey are Michael Parks (as the old man) and Justin Long (as the unfortunate visitor-turned-lodger in question Wallace).  Both actors bring their A-games.  Parks at this point in his career is incapable of a poor performance.  I still marvel at his opening scene in From Dusk 'til Dawn where he plays the doomed sheriff and perfectly captures the audience with his delivery.  Justin Long is clearly no longer the "Apple Guy" but a decent actor and he is game to perform inside a grotesque walrus-costume where 99% of his acting is done solely through his eyes and lack of mobility.

"Sew very old one, sew like the wind!"

My friend and I saw the movie opening night, equal parts excitement and because we were concerned that the subject matter might make for a brief stay at the cinema, and were solidly entertained for the entire run time.  There are times when Smith's juvenile humor and dialogue shines, the initial introduction scene between Wallace and the old man a perfect example.  Then there are times when things misfire or come across as amateurish "Not-See Party" does not work at all and Johnny Depp's (in the worst kept secret in Hollywood) character seems like he belongs entirely in another movie.  Still TUSK is a nice ode to the horror movies that Hollywood truly rarely makes any more.  The box office will be used as an example of why this is, but I will say that TUSK will have a long shelve life in VOD and DVD sales as well as cable channels.  The DVD had better include the entire Smodcast episode as well...perhaps playing as a form of edited audio commentary track.  It's the perfect movie to experience in your living room where when the grim finale is revealed at least you can change the channel and instantly watch something that might shine a bit of happiness back into your life.

Recommending comedy movies is tough.  One person's A Fish Called Wanda is another person's Weekend at Bernies 2.  Horror movies are the exact same way.  It baffles me at times that the movies I find chilling are instantly met with someone else exclaiming, "That wasn't scary.  I laughed and thought it was stupid!"  So I will say that I laughed in TUSK and I was genuinely creeped out in TUSK.  I applaud Kevin Smith for his efforts and for taking a risk outside of his normal range.

As someone who writes, truly what I marvel at throughout this entire journey from a podcast episode to a movie is that every step of the way has been recorded.  During the end credits of TUSK Smith plays samples from the original podcast and it's a perfect reminder of where the idea was birthed from and how a simple spark of inspiration can lead to a well made final product.  Fans of 70s horror will eat up everything that TUSK is offering.  Others will be repulsed on numerous levels.  But, in the end it's a movie that is deserving of an audience and a great example of the creative process which should be included in movie making classes taking students along on the journey from podcast-to-movie.