LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

In the script Jason was found in the
lake where he had been left
at the conclusion of The New Blood.

In the 1970s and 1980s when someone cleaned out a basement, attic, or under a bed there was undoubtedly the anticipation and inevitable joy of discovery as some long forgotten, or presumed lost, item was unearthed.

In 2014 that joy of discovery often happens on a computer hard drive.  So, I was sitting down working on my next book when an errant click on a folder revealed a subfolder that I had not viewed since (according to the records) 2006!  Inside this folder were two - TWO - screenplays that I had written back in 2002.  Now, both of these screenplays were originally meant solely as practice as I honed my craft.  In order to learn the proper technique and writing style when shifting from prose to a script I decided to write two sequels for franchises of which I was a fan.  I never had any expectations that they would be sold, made, or even see the light of day beyond my computer.  In fact, I wrongfully assumed that both had been deleted.  Nope.  THEY LIVE!

In the script Michael Myers was a serial killer
who the Halloween movies were
based upon.

So, let's talk about the first one with this entry.  This was my attempt at a horror screenplay that would have inter-mixed Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers.  The script was written shortly after the theatrical release of Halloween H2O where Jamie Lee Curtis returned to that series...and, at the time, presumably killed Michael.  It was a decent movie, but nothing stellar or memorable.

In a nutshell I wanted to see something SPECTACUAR!  I wanted a movie with a plot, with a body count, and where the two lead killing machines battled not only themselves, but also a black-ops mercenary team.

So I set out to write...
JASON VS. MICHAEL: THE ULTIMATE EVIL!

Now, anyone who knows me (and if you don't listen to the podcast - www.donandhisamazingfriend.com) knows that I demand that all sequels play fair and straight with the audience and with the history that has been presented in previous entries.  So, when I wrote my story I was sure to include both the ending to Halloween H2O as well as all the key elements from Friday the 13th Parts 1-7.  I had "outs" to explain the lesser entries in each series.  I introduced new characters and populated the town of Forest Green (formerly Crystal Lake) with enough characters/victims to build a solid body count.

In rereading the story several stand-out scenes in the script jumped out:
*Jason kills two scuba divers in Crystal Lake
*Michael kills an ambulance crew and an unfortunate homeowner (with a riding lawn mower)
*Jason battles a heavily armed squad of soldiers in a hardware store
*Michael Myers and Jason destroy a bar and the entire patronage during their battle


My simple Photoshop image that I printed and
had on my desk for inspiration.

*Michael meets not one, not two, but three awesome "death scenes" as Jason truly unleashes on him
*There is a HUGE EXPLOSION!

Considering I haven't seen this script in almost a decade, I was amazed at how well it read and how evenly paced it was.  Frankly, and selfishly, I wish someone would call and offer to make this movie because even though Freddy vs. Jason was fun...it still wasn't as perfect a movie as Michael vs. Jason (or Jason vs. Michael) could have been.

Here's a small sampling of the script.  This scene is the beginning of Act 2 where I've basically set in place that Jason is on the loose and a well-armed science team has purposely set loose Michael Myers in the area in the hopes that they'll be able to have not one but two regenerating beings that may lead them towards the development of a true undying Super Soldier.

Please keep in mind this was a first draft and the formatting may be off as I switched from Final Draft to Blogger.

*****

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
Rebecca and Paulson are cutting through the dense trees as best they can in the sheer darkness.

OFFICER PAULSON
Are you sure you know where you’re going?  Besides, it may not even be there

REBECCA
Keep your voice down.

They hear radio communications farther off in the forest.

REBECCA (cont’d)
But right now that’s our only shot at putting some serious distance between us and them.
 

They walk a ways further, ducking low to avoid some flashlight beams.

REBECCA (cont’d)
There.

Rebecca points ahead to a ditch, her bike is laying in it.

OFFICER PAULSON
I don’t see the ambulance, or my squad car.

REBECCA
Well we got lucky here.  Apparently they didn’t feel like messing with my bike.
 

She walks over, rolls it out of the ditch, and examines it.

REBECCA (cont’d)
The only problem is the starter.  It’s been acting up on me.  Everybody within walking distance of us is going to hear this thing turn over.
 

OFFICER PAULSON
So I guess we hope it starts on the first try.

REBECCA
I guess.  Keep your fingers crossed.
 

She kick starts the cycle...and nothing happens.  She tries a second time.  Nothing.

MERCENARY #3
Hold it!

Rebecca and Paulson look over to see a merc with his machine gun pointed right at them.

MERCENARY #3 (cont’d)
Don’t move.
(into his comm)
I have them sir.  At the original acquisition site.

CAPTAIN FLENNA (o.s.)
Keep them there.  We’re on the way.
 

Mercenary #3 as his full attention on Rebecca and Paulson.  He does not notice a shadow moving through the treeline next to him.

Jason is the "eviler" of the killers!
He easily chalks up a body count rivaling
Arnold's from Commando!

MERCENARY #3
We’re all going to just stay right here and -

JASON EXPLODES FROM THE DARKNESS AND THRUSTS A MACHETE INTO THE MERCENARY!  HE IS LIFTED OFF OF THE GROUND SCREAMING!  HIS GUN SWINGS AND FIRES AS HIS FINGERS CLENCH!

Rebecca ducks a hail of bullets but two strike Officer Paulson in the chest.  He goes down - HARD.

REBECCA
Tom!

She moves away from her bike to help him.

OFFICER PAULSON
No!  Get out of here!

Their voices draw Jason’s attention.  He swings his machete and the dead mercenary flies off of it, landing in the woods.  Jason then moves towards them.

OFFICER PAULSON (cont’d)
Go Rebecca!  Get your father!
 

She can see the blood coming from Paulson’s mouth and chest.  It’s clearly a fatal shot.  She struggles with the decision for a moment but then finally Rebecca turns and tries to start her bike.  It doesn’t catch.

Jason moves forward and thrusts his machete down into Paulson.  Officer Paulson doesn’t scream.
Jason marches forward.  He is only a few feet from Rebecca.

The motorcycle starts!  Rebecca kicks it into gear and speeds away just as Jason swings his machete at where she was standing a moment before.  He gets nothing but air.
Rebecca races through the forest!

EXT. THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE TOWN OF CRYSTAL LAKE - NIGHT
A patrol car is stopped in the road, lights still flashing.

CLOSE UP: CRYSTAL LAKE BILLBOARD
Officer Drew is slammed face first against the billboard, his feet dangling above the ground. Jason keeps him pinned there with one arm while the other arm brings an axe into view. Drew is screaming until the axe CHOPS into his back.

A BLAST OF BLOOD SMEARS ACROSS THE SMILING FAMILY ON THE SIGN.
Jason looks at the sign and then his gaze drifts towards the lights of the town below.  He turns and walks away, leaving behind the car, the axe, and Officer Drew still held in place on the billboard.

Michael racks up a good body count
but also is the more sympathetic
of the twin killing machines.

EXT. THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE TOWN OF CRYSTAL LAKE - LATER
The welcome to Crystal Lake billboard still holds Officer Drew in place.

CLOSE UP: A hand reaches up and pulls the axe from the dead officer.  Drew’s corpse PLOPS to the ground.

Carrying the axe, Michael Myers walks towards the Forest Green town square.

*****

It's worth noting that Michael had already had his ass handed to him once by Jason.  The two are on their way to clash in the town bar and begin the total destruction of Forest Green.

Maybe one day I'll visit one of the "money" scenes.

"Show Me Your TUSKS!"

I'm a pretty big fan of Kevin Smith.  His podcast network supplies plenty of laughs and some of his movies are staples in my household (Clerks, Mallrats, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back).  Sure, occasionally the man stumbles (Cop-Out, Dogma, acting in Die Hard 4) but even Roy Hobbs couldn't hit a home run every single time he stepped up to the plate.

About a year ago Smith and his pal Scott Mosier recorded an episode of SModcast (Smith & Mosier, thus the double capital letters) where they recounted a bizarre personal ad found in a London where an old man was looking for a lodger to live with him in his spacious house, rent free.  The one caveat was that the lodger would be required to wear a home-made walrus suit for two hours a day for the man's pleasure.  YES, A WALRUS COSTUME!  The episode in question is titled SModcast #259 - THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER and it is laugh-out-loud hilarious.  I have listened to this episode so often that it's pretty much ingrained in my memory word-for-word. 

The minute I saw these drawings...I was sold!

As the pair delve into the ad they eventually wonder about the psyche's of the old man and any potential lodger.  How does one reach a point in their life where making a walrus costume seems like a good idea?  How does one reach a point in their life where wearing a walrus costume seems like a good idea?  This helps them branch off into a "What would this look like as a movie?"-scenario.  Now, the movie has been made and released so listening to the podcast is doubly fascinating because you can really hear the creative energies flowing between the two filmmakers as they spout out ideas, most comic gold, about how every aspect of the movie should play out.  Kevin Smith is clearly a fan of 70s-era horror movies because he understands the pacing and "flavor" that the dirty grindhouse low-budget horror movies delivered in that decade.  He earns huge respect points for knowing that most of these movies ended with a song during the credits that usually tried to feel uplifting even though the movie itself was anything but.  Horror movies in the 1970s ended grim!  There was no happiness to be found.  It's more rare to see such dark endings even today but occasionally a Pet Semetary, Se7en, Blair Witch Project or The Mist (trust me, the dark ending is what limited any form of box office success) sneaks through.  Too often though Hollywood bean-counters insist that even a horror movie must end with the sun shining and the survivors happy, thus allowing audiences to leave the theatre in a good mood.  Truly odd when you consider what they may have just spent two hours in the dark watching?

The late 1960s and 1970s delivered some great horror movies that pummeled viewers throughout the course of their run time and then slapped them silly with an even more downtrodden ending that guaranteed no happiness for the characters of the film.  Some rapid fire examples; The Wicker Man, Night of the Living Dead, Race with the Devil, Ssssssssss, Don't Look Now, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and there's plenty more...the 70s was the decade that just kept on delivering downers post-Vietnam.

No Spoiler Images!
But TRUST ME...Long gets turned into a walrus!

So, Kevin Smith got all creative with his walrus-discussion and made himself a low-budget horror movie that delivers all of the ideas and "horror" that one would expect in a film where the general plot is MAN TURNED INTO WALRUS.  To assist him on his journey are Michael Parks (as the old man) and Justin Long (as the unfortunate visitor-turned-lodger in question Wallace).  Both actors bring their A-games.  Parks at this point in his career is incapable of a poor performance.  I still marvel at his opening scene in From Dusk 'til Dawn where he plays the doomed sheriff and perfectly captures the audience with his delivery.  Justin Long is clearly no longer the "Apple Guy" but a decent actor and he is game to perform inside a grotesque walrus-costume where 99% of his acting is done solely through his eyes and lack of mobility.

"Sew very old one, sew like the wind!"

My friend and I saw the movie opening night, equal parts excitement and because we were concerned that the subject matter might make for a brief stay at the cinema, and were solidly entertained for the entire run time.  There are times when Smith's juvenile humor and dialogue shines, the initial introduction scene between Wallace and the old man a perfect example.  Then there are times when things misfire or come across as amateurish "Not-See Party" does not work at all and Johnny Depp's (in the worst kept secret in Hollywood) character seems like he belongs entirely in another movie.  Still TUSK is a nice ode to the horror movies that Hollywood truly rarely makes any more.  The box office will be used as an example of why this is, but I will say that TUSK will have a long shelve life in VOD and DVD sales as well as cable channels.  The DVD had better include the entire Smodcast episode as well...perhaps playing as a form of edited audio commentary track.  It's the perfect movie to experience in your living room where when the grim finale is revealed at least you can change the channel and instantly watch something that might shine a bit of happiness back into your life.

Recommending comedy movies is tough.  One person's A Fish Called Wanda is another person's Weekend at Bernies 2.  Horror movies are the exact same way.  It baffles me at times that the movies I find chilling are instantly met with someone else exclaiming, "That wasn't scary.  I laughed and thought it was stupid!"  So I will say that I laughed in TUSK and I was genuinely creeped out in TUSK.  I applaud Kevin Smith for his efforts and for taking a risk outside of his normal range.

As someone who writes, truly what I marvel at throughout this entire journey from a podcast episode to a movie is that every step of the way has been recorded.  During the end credits of TUSK Smith plays samples from the original podcast and it's a perfect reminder of where the idea was birthed from and how a simple spark of inspiration can lead to a well made final product.  Fans of 70s horror will eat up everything that TUSK is offering.  Others will be repulsed on numerous levels.  But, in the end it's a movie that is deserving of an audience and a great example of the creative process which should be included in movie making classes taking students along on the journey from podcast-to-movie.

THE JOYS OF EDITING

People who know me occasionally call me a "writer".  I am uncomfortable with this label for several reasons.  Chiefly among them is that I only have two books currently in circulation.  Secondly there is the fact that I do not write as my chosen career.  Writing, at this time, is more of a hobby and enjoyable escape from the day-to-day headaches that invariably assault us all.  While the term "writer" bothers me, I do feel quite comfortable in telling people that, "I am not a writer.  But, I do enjoy the art of writing."

Note the side column,
Peg (my editor) is pretty thorough
and there's never one page without
a note or correction or comment.

My goal is to complete and publish ten books in my lifetime.  I am currently at 20%, but within two months I'll be at 30%.  Last week my third book HORROR 101 returned from the editor.  I have all of my work handled by Kristy and Peg over at www.ebookeditingpro.com .  Their prices are decent, their turn around time is quick, and they offer a variety of levels from editing to polishing to critiquing.  Working with them has certainly improved my writing skills and allowed me to sleep comfortably knowing that whenever I publish a book, the buyers won't be short-changed by the quality of the purchase.

Still, the biggest issue I have with editing is that it is a reminder that there's still a large amount of work to do on a book before it can be sent to the formatters.  There are few things more rewarding than to finish writing a book and send it to the editor with the thought of, "This book is finished!  And it's perfect!"  Then a few weeks go by and the work in question returns and pretty much every page contains comments and edits from something as simple as a misspelled or incorrect word to a more thorough critique of "You need to do a better job fleshing out this character's motivation".  So, just when the writer thinks they are finished the editor...pulls them back in.

Right now, I'd love to be sitting at my desk working on my fourth book (the sequel to There Goes Tokyo!) or even my fifth book (an actual full length novel) but instead I return to the horror tales and drabbles that populate a book I worked feverishly on through 2012 and 2013.  It's a nice reflection returning to these tales, but it's also very much work.  And this is not the "joy of creation" and "fun of discovery" kind of work either!  This is the "cross the Ts and dot the Is" arduous detailing that turns an amateur book into a professional novel.

I go old school and print up a paper copy from the editor.
Usually it's easier and faster to add my own
marks and notes alongside hers as I work on the final version.

If you have ever considered writing a book, and I truly hope you do because it is an incredibly rewarding experience, then you should know that the ebook marketplace is filled with author's who make the mistake of rushing out a product before it can truly shine from the touch of a professional editor.  It's always frustrating to read someone's great story only to be pulled out every other page by a mistake from lack of editing or erroneous ebook formatting.  Never let that happen to you and your work!  You only have one chance to make a great impression with a reader who has turned over their money to find entertainment through your words.  Find an editor and even though it's a guarantee that you are paying someone to hand you back more work...trust me, at the end of the journey you'll be thankful for those extra weeks of toiling away on your book when the complete product looks so much superior to all of your earlier efforts.

STATUE COLLECTING!

Being a lifelong comic book fan, for the past decade+ I have been an avid collector of Randy Bowen's line of statues and busts.  These are great (albeit expensive at times) pieces of sculpted artwork that really add a nice element to my home.  I have a curio cabinet filled with close to 100 pieces dedicated to the Marvel Universe of superheroes.  My wife doesn't even mind the collection and she lovingly refers to it as my "Barbie Cabinet".

Anyways, the cabinet is full and sadly for all these years there was never a solid product for the superheroes of the DC Universe.  Lately that is starting to change as the company Kotobukiya (sounds like a porn term) has been releasing a high quality line of 8" DC statues.  These statues have a great metallic shine to them and are remarkably lightweight.  They are also awesomely priced falling between the $35-$50 range (and plenty of good deals to be had on ebay).

In the past six months I've added Flash, Batman, Captain "SHAZAM!" Marvel, Black Adam, and Aquaman to my collection and they're residing on shelves in my computer room.  Any time people see them they always get compliments because the product speaks for itself.  At this point the only statue I do not own is Superman and that is solely because I am not a fan of the New 52 DC take that Superman must look younger than the rest of the heroes.  Nope, not to my liking...but the work of the statue itself looks solid.

I don't often plug products but if you're a fan of superheroes and the DC Universe, then adding one or several of these statues to your home, office, or collection is a great idea.  They're excellent eye-candy for an exceptional price.

Give them a look HERE.

Shoes, Chuds, and Faulty Memories!

As I was doing some writing, I stumbled upon an original draft of stories from my first collection In 666 Words.  I was amused to find a story called The Shoe Collection, which did not make the final draft.  There's an amusing story of why this happened.

Back in the mid-1980s there was a low budget horror movie called C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers or Contaminated Hazardous Urban Disposal – depending on which part of the movie you’re watching – SPOILERS!).  The movie had a fun concept and certainly captured that shitty early 1980s, pre-Giuliani clean-up period for New York City.  The biggest problem, as I hinted at, is the movie has zero budget to back up its’ grand premise.  If this movie had focused on S.W.A.T. troopers entering the sewer systems and battling these man-eating monsters, like Aliens in New York, that would have been so bad-ass.  But, with little funding the movie is basically too much of Daniel Stern working at a soup kitchen and people running around wasting our time.

I was not a fan of C.H.U.D. and one viewing was plenty.  There was never any intention to revisit the movie.

Flash forward almost three decades and I am somewhere in the midst of writing In 666 Words.  While I’m working on that I also have one night a week free from writing where my brother and a friend join me for what we deem Netflix Night.  The goal of this one evening is to choose a bad movie so we can essentially riff on it nonstop like our own personal Mystery Science Theatre 3000.  The kind of movies we aspire to watch are things like Maximum Overdrive, The Substitute, Foxy Brown, and, of course, C.H.U.D.

So we’re watching C.H.U.D. and I have a horrendous twist in my stomach as I realize that a key scene in the movie is essentially the exact same thing I recently wrote for a story in In 666 Words.  How in the hell did that happen?  Was there still a lone memory lodged in my brain from a lousy movies I watched thirty years ago?  Obviously I was not stealing the concept as I had no clear memory of this moment in C.H.U.D., but it’s clear as day that my story and an early scene of the movie are simply too similar.  Now, I’m sure this happens more often to writers than we hear about.  Immediately I am thinking of the plot of The Simpson’s Movie and the Stephen King novel Under the Dome.  No matter, I knew at that point that I had to remove my tale from the book before my initial outing would be reviewed by people shouting, “This guy is ripping off C.H.U.D.!”  Nobody wants that, probably less than they want to realize that memories of C.H.U.D. are still floating around in their subconscious.  However, I’m proud of the little tale I penned, especially when I thought it was 100% original, and even though it won’t make it into any collection I post for sale, I wanted it to live on for readers of my blog.  So included below is the complete story.  I’ll leave it to you to decide if it’s too similar to C.H.U.D. or if my memory lapse isn’t bordering on copyright infringement as much as I think it is.  Granted, you'll need to go watch C.H.U.D. to give an unbiased opinion on the matter.

 

THE SHOE COLLECTION
(a tale in 666 words)

“So, I hear you have quite a shoe collection?”  Jessica jumped right to the point.  It was late, she was cold, tired and uncomfortable in the dilapidated old office building.  The place smelled of urine and worse.  To make matters worse, she was dressed up for a fund-raiser she was supposed to be covering for the paper.  She could only imagine the filth she might stumble into or the odors that would cling to her when she left.

Still, the increasing disappearance of women in the city was the hottest story going.  Every reporter was scrambling for leads, and Jessica’s tips led to her current location where she hoped something would deliver.

Laying on the ground next to her was a bum who went by the name of “Al Pro” because of his love for wearing sports jerseys while panhandling before football and baseball games shouting “Eat ‘em up!” while jiggling a cup for change.

Al Pro looked at her for a minute, his eyes hazy.  “Shoes?  Yes, I gots shooooooeeess.”  Then he started giggling.  He pointed to the next room.

Jessica walked over and was immediately stunned by the sheer amount of woman’s shoes displayed before her.  There were easily over one hundred.  Al had set up make shift shelves to display them.  It looked like a twisted shoe store because the wide variety of shoes only had one of each distinctive style.  Inspecting them revealed little.  There was no blood or evidence on any of the shoes.

From the other room Al was still looking at her, “I likes them shoes.  You got.  Red is my favorite color.”  Then he started mumbling a song.

She took out her phone and snapped a few pictures of the collection.  The lighting and quality were horrible, but for now it would suffice.

Al was still lying on his filthy mattress.  “Sees, all thems shoes!  I love me some shoes!”

“Al, where did you find these shoes?”

He thought for a minute.  “I find them in the street mostly.  When I go walking in the morning.  Loves the colors,  I can look at ‘em all day.”

“Yes, they’re very nice.”

Jessica had more questions, Al had fewer answers.

 

The street was barren as Jessica walked back to her car.  Her mind was racing in several directions trying to determine her next course of action.  Right now, all she had leading her to the missing people were the shoes.  She was hours late for the party she was supposed to be covering.  Her lead was mostly a bust, and all she wanted was to be out of this part of town.  She picked up her pace, hearing her footsteps echo down the concrete canyon.

There was the sharp ting of metal from the street.

Jessica froze, listening for it to return.

Then she looked down and realized the sound was coming from directly at her feet.

The sewer lid shook.  She was sure of it.

Stepping closer, her brain made the final connections a split second too late.  The metal cover pushed up and a grotesque reptilian claw shot out, snatching her ankle.  It was like a vice.  Jessica fell backwards, sprawling across the cement, clutching for anything to gain a handhold as she felt herself swiftly pulled towards the sewer opening.

Jagged nails scraped over her leg, removing her shoe.

Jessica saw her red heel spiral away into the air and clatter alone in the middle of the street.  That’s when she felt the razor sharp teeth dig into her foot.

“Help!”  She shouted as the full fight-or-flight kicked in.  Then her screams became unintelligible as she was pulled below, into the dark sewer.

The heavy metal lid slammed back into place with a clang of finality.

This late at night, the city paid no notice.

 

The next morning, while making his rounds around town, Al found a beautiful red high heel shoe sitting alone in the street.  He took it home and added it to his collection. 
 
 
 

ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES!

A few years ago I wrote a couple articles for eHow.  Back then that site was great and they paid you based on how many hits your article was getting.  My article was about getting ink stains out of your clothes.  Then I wrote one about choosing the best seat in a movie theatre (based on visual, sound, and asshole proximity).  Both of my articles attracted a couple of views and put a few pennies in my pocket.

Then one day the thought hit me that I was writing articles for everyday life and that’s not always the largest generator of hits when it comes to Internet search engines.  I decided to right a funny little article on fortifying your home during the, sure to happen, zombie apocalypse.  Mind you, this was before The Walking Dead hit it big on AMC and everyone in America was frothing at the mouth over all things zombie related.  I approached my article as a simple Ten Step Plan and, although meant for laughs, attached as much realistic advice as I could.  I just loved the idea of Americans scrolling across eHow looking for serious problem solutions to stumble across the ramblings of what they may deem a "maniac".  In truth, if there was a zombie outbreak this is most likely the plan I would follow, depending on alert time available.  The article was a sizable hit for me, so much so that I was shocked when the checks arrived in the mail.  I was then doubly shocked when I forgot to claim the money on my taxes and the government looked me up a few years later for their cut (and late fees).

Anyways, as I started to write some books The Ten Step Zombie Defense Plan found its way from informational article to short story.  For a time it sat in my first collection Late Night Horrors (not available yet and that’s a long story in itself) but I was never quite pleased with that.  The story had a bit of humor laced with it, and Late Night Horrors was certainly not meant to have stories that invoked laughter…except maybe uncomfortable laughter.  So the story languished on my computer…all but forgotten.

This summer I was finalizing my newest flash-fiction collection Horror 101 to send to my editor.  At the 11^th hour I realized I was not happy with the overall format of the book and I made some major changes to the story order.  This turned a random assortment of tales into a book more clearly dvidied into two halves where, now, all the stories seemed to flow much better.  Once these changes took place, both in content and story order, I then found myself one story short.

Re-enter: The Ten Step Zombie Defense Plan.

This time the tone of the story fit much better with the work surrounding it.  Still, as I read it I decided that my initial approach was far too limited and the concept could easily expand in scope, humor, and plot.  So here I am writing this final story and trying to get Horror 101 finished before August 1st so it can get to editing and formatting and have a reasonable chance of being available for sale in late September or early October (when horror books have the best chance for some increased sales).

Still, as I found myself toiling away this afternoon, I was browsing through the wastelands of my computer and came across the original eHow article which I assumed was lost.  Now, this 10-Step Plan is nowhere close to the plan that I utilize in both versions of my story, but it was still an enjoyable trip down memory lane looking at some strange idea I fostered some five or six years ago while drinking lemonade and sitting on my well-fortified deck.  So, I present the original article as I return to my daily writing duty and attempt to work out the kinks in the final 7-pages of the latest incarnation of the idea.

 

 

 

THE 10-STEP ZOMBIE DEFENSE PLAN

There are always a couple goofballs who chuckle whenever the words "Zombie Invasion" are brought up into a conversation.  But, mark my words when the undead begin crawling from their graves, laughter will be at a minimum.  So for those of us who believe that a good defense is better than - dying, I present the following 10-step plan to 100% secure your dwelling against the rotting corpses who want nothing more than to feast on your brains.

Step #1 - Move quickly!  Once the radio reports the first signs of trouble at the local morgue or cemetery, you need to be ready to roll.  The unprepared masses will be going shopping, but since you planned ahead you'll be going - into action!  Star by gaining some comfort around your home with make-shift barricades.  Cars and trucks can be parked at angles or in front of doors for added security.  If you have fences along your property, link chains and extra boards across gates.  Will it hold forever?  No.  Will it buy you time to secure your dwelling?  Absolutely.  In fact, the hordes of the undead will be so busy eating the people down at the grocery store; you'll have at least 24-hours to prepare.

Step #2 - Get those windows covered!  Unlike us breathing humans, the undead don't necessarily go for the door first.  Pull the drapes to prevent inside movement from attracting a hungry zombie.  The last thing you want is for sprinting zombies to make a bee-line to your home before you're ready to roll.  If possible get outside and use long boards (preferably 2 x 4) and screws to cover as much of the window as possible.  Very important to have someone keeping watch as you work, it doubles productivity when you're not constantly glancing over your shoulder in fear.  With the outside secure you'll next want to repeat this process on the inside.  You can never have enough lumber, so be sure to stock up at your local hardware store.  Your less informed neighbors will go for bullets and guns.  You want screws and wood.

Step #3 - The door must go!  Seal this sucker tight and permanently.  If possible weld metal over as much of the door as possible.  There's nothing the undead enjoy more than pounding on a door 24/7, it's their #1 hobby.  After boards (did I mention the importance of lumber) are placed across the doorway you'll want to wedge objects against the door and the doorframe.  I've seen many a homeowner die with the look of shock on their face when the door held fast but the entire frame gave away.  I recommend angling several long boards into place and pounding nails and screws directly into the floor.  The leverage will give you piece of mind.

Step #4 - Design your home's new entryway and exit!  You need rope or a ladder.  Now that the windows and doors are secure you're going to need a way in and out of your fortress.  This will now be achieved by using either a rope or ladder and going from either the 2nd floor or the attic and down.  The undead are poor climbers so you won't need to worry about upper level access hurting your defenses.  This step is extremely important because if you botched Steps 1-3 then at some point the legions of the undead will be inside your home, and you'll want to get out!  It's time to remove the screens in one upper floor window and/or cut a hole in the attic as your new entryway.  Don't draw too much attention to your house with this move.  By now panicking neighbors will be looking for shelter…too bad they should have read this article before things got tough.

Step #5 - Time to lose the stairs!  If your ground level defenses fail then it is still easily possible to survive on the 2nd floor of your home (sorry all you ranch owners).  Sure it won't smell good with hundreds of zombies plodding around the main floor, but as long as they can't reach you, then you'll be fine.  With your sledgehammer let's pound out all the stairs, remember to start at the top and work your way down.  This newly acquired extra lumber can help secure any failing home defenses (by now at least 1-2 windows will be under siege) or if the power has gone out you can build a small fire…keep it small and under control…and away from the shag carpeting.  With the stairs gone your way up and down is now a ladder.  If the doors or windows are breached get the entire family up stairs (ha! There are none so use the ladder and don't forget to carry the dog).  If possible pull the ladder up with you…if not knock it down.  Super-intelligent zombies are a Hollywood myth; none of the suckers attacking your home will be smart enough to put that ladder back into place.

Step #6 - Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink…for your neighbors!  But, you planned ahead and at the first ominous signs of something going afoul you filled up on precious H2O.  By now every Tupperware container, milk jug, sink, bathtub, and toilet bowl should be full of water.  Don't shortchange your drinking.  You and your loved ones need the water to prevent going over to the other team.  Remember still water can go bad over time so use your purifying tablets to keep things as safe as possible.  Bonus points for you if you planned ahead and got that urine-recycling machine (you're hardcore)!  As you empty out a container you'll want to jury-rig a shelf outside an upper floor window (not the one you plan on using for fast escapes) where rain water and dew can be collected.  Be careful, if the government plans to launch a nuclear counter-attack on the hordes from hell, then drinking rain water won't be an option…but until then go with the rain water to help keep your home supply fresh.

STEP #7 - Electricity is over-rated!  The newbie zombie survivalist will tell you to purchase a generator for your home.  BIG - MISTAKE!  The electricity won't fail for at least 1-2 months (unless you forgot to pay your bill) so at least you and the family have time to read at night or watch Superman IV on DVD for the fiftieth time.  When Edison's dream truly does vanish, well then it's time to get used to living sun-up until sun-down.  Many people will turn to generators at this point (and you'll out live them) for the convenience.  Two problems with a generator: Noise and more noise.  Noise will attract zombies.  Even worse noise will attract human-raiders who without electricity will have immediately devolved into Lord of the Flies-Law.  You home may be secure (extremely secure if you followed Steps 1-6) but I wouldn't wish a double attack on anyone…especially not for a few measly watts of power.  You and your family are better than that.

STEP #8 - Stay in the "loop"!  The Internet is always the first thing to go.  Heck at our house on a warm sunny June afternoon there's always a 50% chance of losing the Internet.  Cable TV…ditto.  So you can only imagine when the shambling pawns of Hell begin strolling around town what's going to happen to the news.  However, radio is always reliable (provided you can outwait the commercials).  Keep a battery powered radio handy and tune in 2 times a day at regular intervals.  Don't check in too much or your batteries will be drained.  Don't check in enough and you'll miss the announcement about the planned Napalm drop that will be targeting your neighborhood shortly.  Remember, when using your radio to keep the volume low.  There's nothing a wandering zombie enjoys more than the comforting sounds of static to let them know that dinner is within range.

STEP #9 - Do not go on the offensive!  At this point you're probably feeling very safe now that your home and family are secure.  Heck you might be planning to make a run for some fresh supplies, to check for other survivors, or even to get some "payback" on those damn stinking zombies!  No Sir.  You do not rock the boat when things are going smoothly.  For all you know the zombie plague will end within 4-6 weeks (it won't but we can hope) and you can easily survive with at least 85% of your family in tow.  Leaving your fortress (a.k.a. your home) is just a flawed strategy.  Even if your old kindergarten teacher is pounding on your front door begging to be let in before she is torn to ribbons - not your problem.  Your problem is staying alive and maintaining the status quo.  The minute you sucker yourself into a game of, "I gotta kill me some zombies."  Then you lose!  That's why guns and ammo are not needed for a safe and secure life in post-zombie America.

STEP #10 - Escape packs; do you know where yours is?  Alaskan fishermen rely on their dry-suits to keep them alive should their ship sink into the Bering Sea.  If your home should at some point falter when under siege, then it may be time to take the high road and get out of Dodge.  If you've followed Steps 4 and 5 then you're in no immediate rush but when it's time to stepping, you want a backpack to come with you.  A good backpack means the difference between surviving on the road and being weighed down and devoured by the shambling zombie masses who manage to gain ground on your overweighed behind.  What should you have in your emergency pack?  Water, dry rations, first-aid kit, a flashlight, and clean underwear (your mom may still be alive and if so, she'd be embarrassed at your soiled remains).  The odds of you ever needing this escape pack are slim to none…but if you've read the list all the way to Step #10 then you're smart enough to know that…excuse me…someone or thing is knocking down my door.

You can worry that your neighbor will mock you for taking the first steps to be pro-active against the zombie apocalypse that is sure to befall us all…or you can survive it by following these steps.  The choice is yours!

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

Lumber
Tools (hammer, sledgehammer, saw, drill)
Nails and screws
Ladder (rope ladder)
Chains and locks
Radio (battery powered)
Lanterns
Water-purifier tablets
Backpack (containing nothing more than water, dry rations, first-aid kit, flashlight, and clean underwear)

Godzilla 2014 & TGT2




My wife and I are fans!  We were there at the first advance showing
IMAX 3-D was incredible!  When Godzilla roared - WOW!

The summer of 2013 was a Kaiju filled three months in my house.  That’s when I was inspired to collect my thoughts on twenty-three films from the Kaiju Eiga library and see if it would work as a book.  The finished product has worked better than I could have expected.  In fact, the fun of watching movies with giant monsters was so engrossing that it pushed several of my other writing projects (including this blog) to the background.

 



The Sequel!  Prototype cover image!

And, this summer will be more of the same.  Besides booking my tickets for G-Fest XXI in Chicago this July, I have also been hard at work on the second volume of Kaiju Eiga goodness which I am calling There Goes Tokyo 2: Kaiju Boogaloo.  I’ve been talking with my cover artist on various designs and am attaching our first pass (plenty of changes coming).  We want it close enough to the original to invoke a sequel without being too much of a copy.  I'll hold off on any reveals until it's closer to sales time.  At this point in the writing I have completed the Heisei Series and will be shortly entering into the Millennium Series.  All told, this volume will contain thirty different Kaiju movies (so considering both of those series are totaling thirteen movies there’s plenty of room for some surprises - and boy did I watch a couple stinkers!).  The biggest shock was when I compiled my list of possible choices I discovered there's enough Kaiju Eiga films remaining for a third and even a fourth book in the future.  Most likely I'll wait for a Pacific Rim 2 or Godzilla 2 to have at least a couple main films to tie into all these obscure titles. 

I also have an actual novel to finish first.  I'm currently 65 pages into what looks to be a 300+ page book.  I have all the notes and plotting worked out.  There's only one character so that makes much of the writing fairly easy.  Oh and there's...monsters too...but more to human scale.  Besides works in progress I also have a long finished collection which I will be releasing shortly - the completed HORROR 101 - look for it sometime in October.  I have at least managed to get to my computer and write every single day on one project or another (a first for me as a writer).

 


My notes, never looked at the page - too dark.

Obviously the big release for Kaiju fans this summer is Legendary’s new Godzilla movie.  This was a first for me, not only seeing a great movie on the big screen multiple times, but also attempting to take notes of the movie at the same time.  It’s an interesting experience writing in a dark movie theatre, there’s no point in trying to look at what you are writing, you simply write and hope at the conclusion of the movie there is something legible and straight on the paper.  Luckily my wife has become a diehard Godzilla fan and was able to assist with the highs and lows of the movie as I furiously wrote.  Did I mention AMC provided us with a private screening?  Well, they didn’t but through fate we were all alone in the theatre.  When the lights came up I had four pages of thorough notes and a surprised look from an usher wondering, “What the hell is this guy doing?”

Here’s a picture of my movie snack leftovers along with my notes, taken as the credits rolled.  Interesting that four pages of notes translated to a nineteen page chapter in the book.  For the diehard fans, look for this to be on sale in December 2014.